The Case of the Misguided Cop and the White Sunglasses

What follows is an absolutely true story. The names have been changed to protect the identity of the Misguided Cop…even though he knows who he is.

Shenanigans, made famous by those brilliant fools at Broken Lizard (the makers of Super Troopers), is a time-honored tradition at police departments the world ‘round. The Town PD is no different. We have a Wall. I’d say it’s a Wall of Shame, but since so few of us have any, it may be a misnomer.

If you haven’t made the Wall, you should question how your compatriots feel about you. It’s a twisted sort of honor, but an honor nonetheless.

No one is safe. Not even the Powers That Be. Not even yours truly. Perhaps someday I shall reveal why one of my nicknames is “Yoda”.

Yes, that Yoda.

Alas, this yarn is not about me. It’s not even about the Wall. The Wall is merely one version of the aforementioned and much beloved shenaniganry. (Yes, I realize I made that word up.)

Today’s tale is about the Misguided Cop and his choice in eyewear.

A few weeks ago, I walked out of the PD toward the end of my shift to put the bike to bed. I looked up toward one of the oncoming shift’s officer and saw a brand new pair of sunglasses shading his eyes from the harshness of the afternoon sun.

They were white.

Cue my giddiness.

In my humble opinion, there are only two kinds of folks that wear white sunglasses: chicks and douchebags. Think about it. Have you ever seen a dude wearing white sunglasses and thought to yourself, “Man, that cat has it all together! I’ll bet he’s a swell guy!”

Of course not. That’s crazy talk.

If memory serves, I made a snarky comment (shocking, right?) about the white glasses. Poor Misguided Cop, in his naiveté, didn’t see the correlation. Which only made the incident more amusing to me.

A few minutes later, we both found ourselves in the report writing room where the discussion continued and an independent party weighed in on the topic.

MC: Seriously, dude? White sunglasses?!

By themselves, not a problem.  One a dude's face?  Insta-douche.

By themselves, not a problem. On a dude’s face? Insta-douche.

Misguided Cop: What?!? I like ‘em!

MC: True as that may be…still makes you a douchebag man. I don’t make the rules.

Misguided Cop: Come on, really?

…Independent third party enters…

MC (seeing the white sunglasses are inconspicuous and therefore wouldn’t sway opinion): Hey, Independent Third Party, what would you call a guy that wears white sunglasses?

ITP: A douchebag.

I looked victoriously at Misguided Cop.

Fast forward to last week…

Misguided Cop was in the report writing room with me when the Powers That Be walked in.

PTB: Hey, Misguided Cop, what happened to the white sunglasses?!

(See how shenanigans make the rounds?)

Misguided Cop: MC showed me the errors of my ways. After conducting some independent research, I determined black sunglasses were the way to go.

MC is single-handedly reducing the population of douchebags in the world.  You’re welcome.

[Tweet “Reduce the Douchebag population. Call for a moratorium on White Sunglasses!”]

Need additional evidence?  A quick Google search for “white sunglasses” revealed the second most searched term is “white sunglasses douchebag”.  #MicDrop

Question: What about you? What is your opinion on the White Sunglasses Question? Douchebag or no? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

Featured image courtesy of Flickr and Travis Hornung

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

15 thoughts on “The Case of the Misguided Cop and the White Sunglasses

  1. Luckily, our department policy forbids any sunglasses not black…including the lenses. Although, it would be interesting, without the policy, to see who would be the first to wear them. 🙂

  2. Good heck. Yes, white sunglasses are indeed worn only by chicks or douchebags. Ugh. When I see a guy wearing a pair, it makes me want to punch him in the face, just on principle. I refrain, due to the fact I am a decent human being. It does not, however, stop me from making derisive comments about his character or perhaps maternal lineage under my breathe….

  3. Same with us. Policy dictates no “white” sunglasses or “mirrored” lenses.

  4. I took my new son and law golfing. He showed up wearing white sunglasses. On the second hole he drove the golf cart on to the actual green. What more can I say?

  5. I love the white sunglasses! They serve a great purpose. When I was a single woman in emergency services, it immediately identified the douches so I knew to avoid them. In fact, when I talk to my girlfriends, if I say “he’s one of those [cops/paramedics/firefighters] that wears white (usually Spy brand) sunglasses…” They all know what I mean. He’s a douchebag.

  6. Our department issues black oakleys but they still get the ones that want to wear the something else to make them different and not in a good way!

  7. You can basically break it down like this. If he expects to ever have sex with the opposite sex, they need to be tossed into the nearest dumpster. K?

  8. Douchebag, maybe. Hed He either is one, or likes to play one on tv…. horrible choice in eyewear for a dude, definitely. Black sunglasses on a guy, ohhh yeah, baby.

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