If I had a dollar for every time I’ve had the following experience…well, I could probably buy coffee for a week or two. That isn’t really the point, but you get the picture.
Yesterday, I stopped a young female for speeding. Not terribly uncommon and neither was her eventual response. Our cast will be as follows: MC (Motorcop) and SYFA (Stupid Young Female Adult). Author’s note: SYFA’s understudies include DOG (Dimwitted Old Guy), PSRC (Possibly Slightly Retarded Citizen), and on occasion FBA (Full Blown Asshole).
The scene: A traffic stop….action…
MC: (after having done the usual “do you know why I stopped you” bit) I won’t keep you but a minute.
MC: (goes back and stands by the Motor scribbling furiously so’s he can get back on the street and get more cites. MC walks back up to the car and hands them a book with a white piece of paper on it and a yellow highlited portion. It looks suspiciously like a ticket) Ok, I just need your signature on the yellow highlited portion on the bottom.
SYFA: (Now holding the book with the aforementioned paper on it) Are you giving me a ticket?
***Here are the Author’s suggestions for possible responses***
1. MC: Gosh, no, SYFA. That is a form made out to the Chief stating how much you appreciate my hard work and warning on this minor, minor traffic violation you commited. I took the liberty of filling it out for you so all you would have to do is sign at the bottom. Thanks ever so much.
2. MC: Goodness, no, SYFA. I’m conducting a raffle for cookies. Don’t you want to enter? You like cookies, don’t you?
3. MC: Gee, SYFA, I couldn’t think of such a thing. This is merely a written reminder that you should pay just a little bit more attention to your speed.
4. MC: No, no, no. I’m signing you up for my new newsletter “Speed Kills Monthly”. (I actually might use that one)
5. MC: Just what in the fuck do you think I was doing back there for the last three minutes? I ain’t writing out my dreams and aspirations, sweetheart, and this isn’t my grocery list, so why don’t you pull your head out of your ass and sign the damn ticket.
Of course, my response was more along the lines of “Yes, Ma’am.” But the rest have all made their turns of swirling around in my head from time to time.