Vasectomies and You

…and by You I mean me.

What follows most assuredly falls into the T.M.I. heading.  I’m sure no one really wants to take about my boys, but much like everything else in this blog, I’m trying to demystify some common misconceptions.

This one just has to do with balls.  Not footballs, soccer balls, or basketballs.  I’m talking about testicles, kids.

Hoorah.

Read on…if you dare.

Let me start by saying the Wife is a beast.  I mean that in the most complimentary way possible.  She had three, count ’em one, two, three, natural labors.  That means no dope, friends.  She has always said, “God made my body to do this.  I can do it.”  She was beyond amazing during the birth of our three kids.  But, we’re done.  No more MClets.

No way was I going to ask her to go through invasive surgery to ensure we have no more kids and I don’t want her to have to take birth control and its myriad of potential side effects for the next 20 or so years.

Time to man up.  *Gulp*

It started with a trip to the hospital for a class to knock out some paperwork and watch a video (circa 1980) about the procedure.  You wanna talk about a room full of morose SOBs?  Yeah, I was in that room.  I was also the only one with the forethought to bring liquor.

Point: MC.

A couple of months later, I got a postcard in the mail that said something to the effect of:

CONGRATULATIONS!  COME ON IN ON THURSDAY SO’S WE CAN SLICE YER BALLS!

At least that’s the way I read it.  So, with trepidation and not a little bit of fear, I headed to the Urology department for my vasectomy.  And then, it got weird.

The nurse took me to a surgical room and said to strip down and put on the gown.  I did.

Then she told me to lay down on the table and hike up the gown.  I did.

Then she painted my nethers with iodine (I assume.  What am I, a doctor?)

Now, I realize she does that kind of thing dozens of times a week, but I had to keep from laughing.  My defense mechanism was in full effect.  A few minutes later, the doctor walked in.

The female doctor.

This ain't me, but I feel his pain. Seriously.

The female doctor proceeded to grab herself a handful of Rightie.  Um, ouch.  Then she mentioned a bit of a “poke and burning” for the needle.  She was not kidding.  Now, I’ve had shots before.  As a matter of fact, I had three shots a week for four years for allergies when I was a kid.  I am not afraid of needles.  I have four tattoos.  You know where they don’t inject you for allergies?  Your balls.  You know where I don’t have tattoos?  My balls.

Consequently, I was not a huge fan of the experience.

Did I forgot to mention the death grip she had Rightie in?  Shame on me.  I was picturing Darth Vader crushing the Rebel in Episode IV.

What happened next can only be classified as straight weird.  I could feel things internally that I knew weren’t supposed to happen.  Of course, that was before someone was yanking and cutting on the ol’ vas deferens.  Who knew one could have one’s spleen tickled by yanking on the vas?  I now know better.

Then there was the smell.  Have you ever smelled someone cauterizing your internal bits?  I have.  Let’s just say Ralph Lauren won’t be bottling the scent.

The whole experience lasted maybe ten minutes until the doctor uttered what I thought at the time was the greatest statement ever:

“That’s it for the right side.”

Wait, what?!?

Then she started to go to the other side of the table.  The only thing going through my head was, “Just where the fuck do you think you’re going???”  I said something eerily similar, if not less vulgar, to which she humorously replied, “I do the second side for free.”

Just what you want when someone’s is batting your boys around: a funny bone.

And the whole experience happened all over again.

It didn’t hurt much (with the exception of the needle), but it was wicked uncomfortable.

Frozen Peas: A Man's Best Friend

The worst part?  Recovery.

If someone tells you the were back at work the next day or two days later, one of the following two things is true: 1) They lied or 2) They have tiny, hairless gerbil balls.  I had the procedure done last Thursday.  This will post on a Tuesday morning and I’m still moving slow.  If you think there’s any way I’m getting on a motorcycle this week, you are insane.

If there’s anything I pride myself on, it’s my ability to lounge.  I could raise it to an art form.  But, after four days, I tried to get moving a bit more.

Huge mistake.  I don’t so much feel like I’m getting kicked in the nuts every step I take, but I’ve been overcompensating using different muscles than my body is used to in order to get around.  Consequently, I’ve got some decent lower back aching and high pelvic aching/cramping.

My point in sharing all of this is twofold:  First, the procedure itself wasn’t nearly as bad as I was anticipating.  Sure, it hurt a bit, but it wasn’t a huge deal.  Secondly, when the doctors tell you to anticipate at least five days of doing next to nothing?  Listen to them.  Make sure your spouse is aware of the needed recovery time as well.  Have meals pre-prepared…especially if you have little ones around.

Finally, I want to thank those of you that gave me encouragement via Twitter.  FoxNotShocked in particular echoed something very similar to what the Wife told me…”It’s an act of love.”

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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25 thoughts on “Vasectomies and You

    • Considered it, believe me…would have had to disrobe anyways, though. Not to mention, one needs all the support one can get after the fact. Been wearing two pairs of chonies since!

  1. Just spewed Mt. Dew halfway across my office and I’m laughing like a loon – my coworkers have decided I’m officially nuts and they may be calling for the nice men in their clean white coats any minute…and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!

    On a related note – both of my boys have had to have surgery in that area. The youngest when he was about five (neither rightie nor leftie wanted to join the outside word…and they can’t actually STAY tucked up right and tight, it turns out). The oldest had his surgery when he was a senior in high school – suffice it to say the surgery was not on rightie or leftie, but rather on their buddy. Recovery for the oldest took a LOT more time, although he was a trooper about not complaining. It was quite a while before either of them stopped walking like 90 year old scoliosis patients.

    I’m sure your amazing wife appreciates the sacrifice!

  2. That experience sounds eerily like my c-sections. The tugging on internal things that you can’t quite feel is indeed a weird thing. There was no cauterizing, but there WAS a staple gun. And they don’t let you lounge for days to recover either, oh no. You’re expected to be up out of bed and walking around within 12 hours. They wanted me making laps around the maternity ward, I kid you not. You men, you’re such softies.

  3. Yeah, I did the c-sec thing. like yours, the surgery was a (very strange) walk in the park but the recovery was a nightmare. Gals who “go natural” usually recover pretty quick, without Demerol.

  4. Thanks for this brave post although I have to admit I did feel a little guilty as I was having at good laugh at your expense while trying to feel fully sympathetic for your tender condition. Guilt, sympathy and laughter who knew you could mix those three together.
    Take it easy at work. Is there a desk job you can stand at for a few days?
    Seriously, here’s hoping you’re feeling a lot better very soon. May you soon be pea free. (the frozen kind that is)

    P.S. Also glad to hear you didn’t loose two of your tats as well. (Now I’m laughing again but it’s a very sympathetic laugh)
    All the very best.

  5. Is there suppose to be a follow up appointment?

    I’ve been reading up on it…and this is the first detailed experience I’ve read…. the rest are people warning everyone to go to the follow up appointment to make sure they stop working.

  6. I had “the procedure” done a few years back after my daughter was born. And my stupid ass went back to work the next day. BIG MISTAKE. I hurt twice as bad because I was stubborn. If I had it to do again, I would have taken a week off. Like you said, not extreme pain, just intense soreness.

  7. A friend of mine had a vasectormy (or maybe it was a later in life circumcision) and when he got home that afternoon, his wife put on her sheerest nightie, danced around, and laughed at his discomfort.

  8. Please keep the moving gentle! There are horror stories of men who have done too much after a vasectomy and bled down there, on the inside, so testicles were huge and full of blood. Makes things take so much longer to get better plus the added risk of infection…

  9. I would have drawn the line at a female doctor. When I need repairs I want someone who actually owns a set of the equipment, not someone who rents it once in a while. Secondly, she might be enjoying it. Here’s for that cheating SOB and his lying divorce lawyer!

    Good for you for getting the operation. Points for thinking to bring some hooch.

  10. Enjoyed the reread, have to comment on the dude who said something to the effect of not liking the fact the doc was a chick, that it should have been someone who owns the same equipment… Um, then explain male ob’s, dude! Three out of five of my kiddos were delivered by men. Loved every single one of them! I realize that had to be uncomfortable for you (in more than one way!) however, it was one time. That guy needs a reality check!

  11. Buddy had an “Ah hell no” moment several months later when the “ghost kicked in balls” feeling struck the first time back on the motor.

  12. I just laughed out loud.
    Nope no literal nuts to speak of and my figurative ones won’t be clipped. Ever.
    But…. I will say any man that does this so his woman can avoid birth control is awesome. It made me horrendously sick for many years with doctors just telling me I should try this one or that one instead of saying this stuff is making you sick, stop taking it…

  13. Aw, sorry MC. But be careful. Sometimes the vasectomy doesnt work…then you’ll have 4 mclets. 🙂 feel better soon.