Vanity, thy name is Lydia.

I worked a little OT last night on a DUI enforcement here in town. I love arresting drunk drivers. Having been assigned to day shift for the last 2 1/2 years, I don’t really have the opportunity to do that much any more, unfortunately. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s rare at best.

My Sgt. worked with me last night and between the two of us we stopped about 20 cars in a few hours. Not one hook…one close one, but not enough to justify. I did however, cover the beat cars on a couple details and one in particular had me laughing out loud. I seriously considered telling the woman involved, “Here’s my blog address…You are gonna entertain a whole bunch of folks when I post this shit”. I didn’t, but it was tempting.

The detail originally came out as an unwanted guest at one of our local watering holes. The PR (person reporting) was a security guard. PR said a WMA (white male adult) gave him a fake ID and is now refusing to leave. That’s all I know when I roll up on scene to cover the beat car.

Turns out, it wasn’t the WMA with the fake ID, but his wife, Lydia. Lydia on first glance appears to be the typical dyed blond, fake boobs, extensions type of woman and two other cops were already talking to her, so I didn’t pay her much attention, since there was apparently still the WMA somewhere around.

The beat cop, who happened to be our K9, handed me what appeared to be a CDL (CA driver’s license). I am by no means an expert at identifying a fake ID. I have, however, seen my fair share of legit ones. K9 handed me the CDL. There were so many glaringly obvious issues with it, it was amusing. I didn’t notice all the discrepancies till a bit later, but the first tip off was that the font size/type was completely different than the one issued by DMV. K9 ran out the CDL, but got no return, meaning this was definitely not legit. The CDL listed her first name as Lydia, so for ease of reading, I’ll refer to her as Lydia. The PR has a black light and shined it over the CDL. No holograms. Another point against Lydia. I told K9, “This thing is as fake as the day is long.”

Well, about that time, WMA reappears and I went to contact him. His story is fairly innocuous and not key to my tale. He was initially a bit belligerent with the staff at the watering hole, but, for the most part, not too much of a problem for us. But, for the sake of setting the scene, I will tell you Lydia is his wife. Remember that little nugget of joy…

Hubby is all kinds of distraught about all the drama unfolding, but I’m just the cover guy, so I don’t know the full story, so I just make sure he isn’t armed and he sits down on a bench if/until K9 needs a statement. By this time, Lydia and K9 have gone to the back parking lot of the watering hole so K9 can do his computer thing and try to find out just who the fuck Lydia is.

**Side note for the uninitiated. We’ve got some pretty sweet databases at our disposal in this job. We can search DMV, booking photos, county records, and a whole host of other sites to figure out who you are, what you’ve done in the past, how many times you’ve been arrested and for what, etc. Suffice it to say, you should save your breath if you’re trying out a fake name.**

Eventually, K9 and Lydia have been gone for quite some time and my curiosity is getting the better of me. I left Hubby in capable hands and went back to see what the holdup was. As I walked up, K9 is talking to Lydia and she is all kinds of bent. She swears up and down DMV issued her that very CDL. **cough, cough** I call bullshit.

I’m just sort of standing there watching. I asked to see the CDL again. Now I’m noticing even more difference between a legit CDL and this one. Every CDL lists your height/weight and hair/eye color. The height/weight appeared to be similar to Lydia’s. The hair/eye color? Not so much. DMV uses the code “BLN” for blond. This CDL listed her hair color as BLD. Know what that means? Fucking bald. Funny, yes. Not the funniest part, though. Her eye color? BLD. I’m no biologist or geneticist, but I’m pretty sure your eyes can’t be bald.

I walked over and asked her, “Hey, did you know DMV has both your hair and eyes as bald? Isn’t that weird?” Then I just sort of chuckled and took a step back. For some reason, Lydia didn’t want K9 to search her wallet for additional ID. That always makes us suspicious. If you don’t want us looking at XYZ we REALLY want to look at XYZ.

Technically, we could’ve arrested her for CVC 14610(a)(1)…I save you the verbatim section. Basically, you can’t have a fake ID. If for no other reason, it gets us in the wallet to search incident to arrest. AKA, all legal, and no 4th Amendment violation. So, we’re kicking around the ideas, pros/cons, etc. K9 is finally able to find Lydia in one of the databases. We’ve got her picture. It’s her. And here comes the punchline…wait for it…

The fake CDL listed her year of birth as ’65. This chick is obviously over 21, regardless of what her CDL says. I’m aware ’65 puts her over, by the way, the point is why does someone who is obviously of age need a fake CDL? Hmmmm….curiouser and curiouser.

Let’s go back to the little factoid above. Recall the nugget of joy? Allow me to add to it. Hubby has been hubby for a total of one month. Four weeks. He is under the impression his darling bride is 43. Unfortunately, he is mistaken. Lydia’s actual year of birth? 1954. Yup, she’s 54 years old. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. At this point he has no clue, however, and we just wouldn’t burst his bubble would we?

Yes. We would. And, as it happens, did. Unfortunately, I wasn’t present for the telling, but the beat cop that told him said his face just fell. So, with respect to the MasterCard commercials…

Cost of a fake ID: $200
Cost of a wedding license: $100
Telling the happy hubby his bride is 11 years older than she let on: Priceless

Lydia bought a fake ID to make herself YOUNGER. That is just precious. The vanity of some people absolutely cracks me up. She was no spring chicken and had quite a bit of ‘work done’, if you know what I mean. At the end of the day, we were able to verify her name (just about the only legitimate info on the CDL). The entire time, however, she just kept saying she didn’t buy a fake ID. Vanity apparently has no bounds. I’m gonna guess whatever she paid for the license was far cheaper than Botox.

The last thing I said to her was, “Can I be honest with you? Whoever sold you this CDL straight ripped you off.”

I don’t think she appreciated my candor.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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7 thoughts on “Vanity, thy name is Lydia.

  1. Damn!! You'd think that once K9 had her out of earshot of hubby, she could have whipped out the read CDL and saved everyone a lot of headache. I know you guys would have kept hubby in the dark, if she had just been honest with you at that point. But, I know cops and the story would have still spread like wildfire within the ranks, and that is OK, too.

  2. Can you guys pull CALPHOTO right into your cars? The agencies up here have to have dispatch text the picture to the officers' cell phones.

  3. Any woman who can find a man is naive enough to believe she's 43 when she's really 54 NEEDS to hang on to him with both hands…LOL!

  4. Welcome back – you were missed! Stupidity rocks – it's so incredibly fun to witness. I'm glad the tax paying public continues to provide excellent entertainment.

  5. Ohhhh dear Lydia…

    CopHawk said it right. A little honesty on her part would have ended this nonsense quite quickly. Instead, after wasting 20 minutes of our time, she was SHAMED in front of everyone within earshot:)

    But I gotta admit…she was pretty hot for 82 years old…or whatever age she really was!