Thieving Stripper

Yeah, you read that right…

Not to be outdone by HM’s recent run-in with a *cough* ‘dancer’, I present to you the Thieving Stripper.
My motor partner and I were covering one of the beat car’s on a suspicious person call. The person was described as a Hispanic Female and she was looking over fences into backyards in a residential neighborhood. As luck would have it, my partner and I found here walking towards us as we scooted southbound. She was wearing pin-striped pants (like from a business suit), a Chicago Bulls jersey, and no shoes. Socks…but no shoes.
MC: Hey…uh…where are your shoes?
TS: They hurt my feet. They’re in my bag.
MC: Okay. Where are you coming from?
TS: South City Transit Center.
MC: Uh-huh….how’s about before that?
TS: The City.
MC: Great. You work late or something?
TS: Yeah.
MC (already suspecting): What do you do?
TS: I’m a dancer.
MC: Oh, yeah? Where?
TS: Jiggly Bits (*Not real name of club…believe it or not*)
MC: Fantastic. What’s your name?
TS: Bambi McShakeass (*Not TS’s real name…again, can you believe it?)
MC: Hey, you got any ID?
TS: Nope.
MC: Really?!? No DL or ID card?
TS: Nope.
MC: Ever had one in California?
TS: Nope.
MC: Weird. You have anything in your purse or wallet with your name on it?
TS digs through purse and hands me a library card.
MC: Um, this is a library card. It doesn’t have your name or picture on it. Just ’cause you signed it doesn’t make it you.
TS digs a little more and shows me a tribal ID card….but at least its got her picture and name on it.
MC: That’ll work.
Blah, blah, blah…we don’t really have anything on her by this point. We’ve no crime and no witnesses. Although, we did determine she’s been arrested a handful of times for….wait for it….burglary and grand theft! Huh. Who saw that coming?
MC: You have anything in your bags you shouldn’t have?
TS: Nah…I’m good.
MC: Okay. You mind if I check?
TS: Yes. You don’t need to because I know I’m good.
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG. Anytime someone says I can’t do something means I really should do it because they’re hiding something. If only it weren’t for that damn Fourth Amendment.
MC: Hey, Bambi. If you’ve got nothing to hide, why won’t you let me look?
TS: You don’t have any probable cause.
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG. Anytime someone throws the jargon at me and they’re throwing it from the opposing team, it really, really makes me want to look. Damn Constitution.
MC: No worries, Bambi. We’re gonna cut you loose in a minute, but just between you and me? You know you’ve got something you don’t want me to find. I know you’ve got something you don’t want me to find. It’s all good and I ain’t gonna push the issue, but just so you understand…I know you’re dirty. You have a nice day.
TS, of course, couldn’t give a shit what I thought, but I just can’t let some Thieving Stripper think she got over on me, you know? An amusing aside to this? Our detectives saw her rolling around later in a VW with some dude….they were cruising neighborhoods. Gee, whatever could they have been up to?

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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6 thoughts on “Thieving Stripper

  1. "I know you are dirty."

    Understatement of the year. Her internal anatomy is probably host to billions of organisms, of human origin and otherwise . . .

  2. I generally enjoy your blog and find it very informative and amusing, but I have to say that your cavalier attitude towards civil liberties is very disturbing in this post. I understand that those comments are probably to a certain degree tongue-in-cheek, but the 4th amendment is the citizenry's only protection against the formation of a police state.

  3. Don't forget the 2nd Amendment. Although it seems as though CA is trying to it's best to nullify that one.

  4. I agree with Anonymous from 21 August. Don’t forget that LEOs are civilians, too. Imagine the following scenario:
    “Officer, may I rummage through your trunk?”
    “Absolutely not.”
    REDFLAGREDFLAGREDFLAG