The Oblivious Lawyer Wannabe

You should be well aware by now that I love to write tickets.

One does not get the nickname SoulCrusher for one’s ability to cross-stitch.

So, imagine my on-going frustration when, on the side of the road, a violator wants to cue up the theme song to People’s Court and thinks they’re going to pull a Mike-Brady-Throws-The-Briefcase trick and get over on yours truly.

Case in point:

I stopped a lady for what appeared to be to me reading an email whilst she was driving.

Hint: That is a violation.

I stopped her, contacted her, collected the pertinent paperwork, wrote the ticket and walked back to have her sign.  This is how it (and many more like it) went.

MC: Okay, ma’am, I just need your signature on the highlighted yellow portion.

Violator: What is this?

MC: I’ve posted about that recently already, ma’am.  Can we move on to more pressing matters?

Violator: But this says “Texting”.

Put the damn phone down.

Put the damn phone down.

MC: Yes, it does.

Violator (seeing her big Law and Order moment where she blows the prosecution out of the water): But, I wasn’t texting.  (Insert L&O “duh, duh”.)

This is the speech I have no crafted to avoid that very confrontation:

MC: Okay, ma’am, I just need your signature on the highlighted yellow portion.  And before you go all Sam Waterston on me, I realize the verbiage on the citation reads “Texting”.  I know you want to throw your fist victoriously in the air a la Breakfast Club era Judd Nelson-style, but I’m gonna go ahead and take the wind out of your sails.  The bottom line is I can’t fit “Electronic Communications Wireless Device Prohibited Use in that tiny ass box.  So, I shorten it way down to simply “Texting”.  I assure you CVC 23123.5 covers the fact that you can’t read the 73 emails you’ve ignored up to this point while hurtling down my road at 41 MPH.  It says you can’t read, write, or send a text-based communication.  While I know you weren’t actively texting (read: writing), you were indeed reading a text-based communication.  Ergo, I just shorten it to “Texting” which is totally kosher.

Violator: Yeah, but I wasn’t texting.

MC: Or listening apparently.  See you in court.  Where I’ve never lost a case like this.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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