The Discombobulated Defendant

Yup…I’m gonna pretend there wasn’t a four month sabbatical. You’ll get over it.

We’ve recently had a change in our local court of justice, vis-a-vis the judge. The man I’ve spent almost a decade testifying in front of has up and retired. Thus, it’s time to break in a new guy. At least new to me.

You know what they say, though. The more things change the more they stay the same.

Case in point: last week.

We’ll call this one MC vs. the Discombobulated Defendant. Or maybe MC vs. the Precariously Framed Photo.

The first one is easy. Two D’s. The second is a mite more challenging. See, the letters starting the words are different, but the second P actually sounds like an F. I like the flow in that one much better.

Precariously Framed Photo, it is.

There I stood.  A wee bit more nervous than I had been in some time, what with the new black-robed gentleman staring down at me from atop his perch.  Very little flusters your good friend, MC, though.  I struggled on mightily and testified to a stop sign violation.

Long story short, dude didn’t stop.

As per courtroom etiquette, the defendant took his turn.  He did not exercise his right to cross examine me.  A smart move.  However, he did decide on submitting photos.

Uh-oh.

And not uh-oh for me.  Uh-oh for him.  Me?  I love photos.  I have yet to see but one or two that came close to helping a defendant out.

Why?  Partly because they are damn near never from my point of view and almost certainly never from theirs either.

I offer Exhibit A (not the actual photo, but my example of same):

Peekaboo

Peekaboo

DD (with all the sincerity his sweet little heart could muster): Now, your Honor, I ask you.  Can you even see the sign there?

Well, can you?  ‘Cause I sure as hell can.  It’s the red bit with the white letter on it.  I will grant that it is difficult to see.  But I smell shenanigans in DD’s first evidence offering.  Notice anything else odd?  How about the framing?  Where’s the street?  Where’s the limit line?

Was his second any better?  You tell me:

 

Are you standing in squirrel poo to get that shot?!?

Are you standing in squirrel poo to get that shot?!?

Ah, do you see what I see?  Yeah, DD took the photo on the side of the freaking road.  Is that his perspective as the driver of a vehicle?  No.  It isn’t.  I couldn’t see the damn sign either if I was two feet off the roadway!

Here’s what DD actually saw:

 

The Truth

The Truth

The funny part of the whole thing was DD submitted the first two photos.  Or at least pretty close representations of what I’ve shown you here.  My assumption is he thought the judge was gonna go all irate and have me thrown out of the courtroom.  At which point the bailiff would remove me by the scruff of my neck, return and subsequently hoist DD on his shoulders in some sort of courtroom kerfuffle celebration dance.

That is not what happened.

DD acted quite a bit indignant when the judge asked him if he thought the second photo was a true representation of what he saw from his perspective.

The answer, by the way, is a resounding no.

So, please, my future defendants, if you are reading this, keep the following in mind.  I LOVE it when you bring in photos.  You entertain me in ways I never thought were possible.

Bless your hearts.

**As an aside, many of you (if there are but a few of you kind readers left) have sent me notes or posts since the tragedy of September last.  I can’t thank you enough.  Some of you have asked what you can do.  Here’s what you can do: next time you see a cop say thanks.  If it’s inside a coffee house, buy him/her a cup.  Don’t take no for an answer.  He/She will piss and moan a bit, but most will accept it with a sigh of thanks in return.  Thank you for understanding my absence.  I think it was a needed.**

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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21 thoughts on “The Discombobulated Defendant

  1. Obviously since he was driving 2 feet off the road, you shouldve written him a ticket for that too! Derr!!

  2. you rock! plus you make me laugh! as the mother of a chp officer and the sister of a retired l.a. county deputy, I love your perspective on all the funny and stupid and dumb and hilarious actions of those who use our streeets. stay safe every single day! where would any of us be without our beloved policemen who keep us safe! thank you!

  3. Welcome back MC, you were greatly missed. I cannot tell you how happy I was to find your post in my inbox today. BTW, today’s post reminds me of the old saying: a picture’s worth a thousand words. Nothing like bringing visual aids to prove you’re an idiot…

  4. Finally! I have missed you terribly. You’ve grown a lot in the last 3 + years I’ve been reading. I miss how bawdy you used to be but it’s kind of nice to be able to send the link to your blog, to my more ‘mature’ family members. Next time you need a break, just tell us though. Don’t leave us out there wondering wtf. Welcome back MC!!

  5. Welcome back sir! I seriously had to blink hard several times when I saw this post in my inbox to make sure that I wasn’t seeing things. I have admit that I’ve missed reading your posts.

  6. I saw a stop sign in all three photos. What’s his point? He’s lucky I’m not the judge…

    Bailiff! Take this silly ass lawbreaking piece of time wasting idiocy outside and extract $300 and court costs from him.

    You with the fancy new helmet – good job. Now go find me a few more lawbreakers.

  7. Good to see you posting again! I love your humor and I was missing it. I recently bought two officers lunch. (Lots of refusing moans and groans, but they turned into thanks once they figured that I wasn’t backing down.) Where I work the campus officers get free drip coffee, period. (They recently prevented a campus shooting so they get extra thanks as well.)

  8. Just getting up off the floor now. Great to have you back blogging. Thanks for for the laugh, always a good way to start the day and thanks for some words destined for the Scrabble board. If only I was any good at Scrabble and if only I could make the crossover from your blog to the Scrabble board. ………….What’s that……..crossover you say???

  9. MC, glad you’re back. Sorry to hear ya got hacked. Really missed your posting but your BFAM, HM, kept me in good spirits throughout a rough holiday season. Hope to see some more posts soon. And a Crossover would be great (make sure the silly FF/PM remembers to push record, though I guess that’s Captain FF/PM now isn’t it). Welcome back, glad the break helped and as always praying for the LEOs, FFs, PMs, Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen, DHS and USCG, it’s a long list at night. I really should print it out. I have so many FIre relatives and friends, one LEO relative, and loads of LEO friends, and a good many PM friends. Good Night from The DC Metro, where its snowy and cold.