All I wanted was one more bloody ticket. Not bullshit static from a teenager…
I stopped a kid for turning right on a red (illegal between 1445 and 1530). The stop went like this:
MC: Know why I stopped you?
Stupid A-hole Teen: No.
MC: You can’t turn right on red back there between 2:45 and 3:30.
SAT: Oh, man! Is that sign new?
MC: No, it’s been here at least as long as I have and I’ve been here for five years.
SAT: I can’t get another ticket
MC (suppressing a chuckle): Uh, just for future reference…not the best defense. You have your license and registration?
Our hero returns to the bike and scratches out a quick cite and sidles back up to the truck.
MC: Okay, I need you to sign on the yellow highlighted portion.
SAT: Are you really going to give me a ticket for this? (Thus the title of this post)
What I wanted to say: You ain’t holding a fuckin’ invite to the policeman’s ball there, Chief.
What I did say…actually I didn’t say anything. I believe I had a look on my face and accompanying hand gestures in order to convey the whole “You ain’t holding a fuckin’ invite to the policeman’s ball there, Chief” vibe I was attempting to pull off.
SAT: (And this is on of my favorite lines, by the by) Don’t you have anything better to do.
MC: Listen, I don’t need your static. Sign the ticket. (Waited for SAT to sign) And as matter of fact, I actually don’t have anything better to do. See that motorcycle back there? I ride that around all day and enforce the vehicle code.
SAT (adopting a condescending passive/aggressive tone): Well, that’s good.
MC: It is indeed good. You have a pleasant day.
SAT: You, too.
Pay attention drivers…time for a reality check. There’s a reason I get paid the big bucks (double over belly laughing…where the fuck is my big bucks check?!?!) to ride a motorcycle. I get paid to enforce the California Vehicle Code. It’s like my Bible. If you sin (violate the CVC), I get to play the role of the avenging angel and lop your dome from whence it sits upon thine neckethst (read issue a ticket…but I like the whole lopping angel better).
You know who you should blame? Take a look in that rearview mirror, Jack. IT’S YOU! You’re the idiot that can’t seem to figure out how to properly maintain a lane, slow down, wear a seatbelt, stay on the right side of the damn road, hang up your fucking cell phone, stop at a red light, etc.
Remember when you took that test to get your driver’s license? Remember signing it? You ever figure out what the hell you were signing? Well, let me clue you in, campers…you’re basically saying you read the book and you get the rules. No cheating off your neighbor. No stuffing a crib sheet in your jock and/or bra. (And/Or? Sign of the times…I keep this shit current, Yo.) So, when you violate a section and you get your peepee spanked, you should know why. Don’t bitch about it. Don’t get bent at me. I wasn’t sitting on your shoulder like a little devil telling you to make that turn.
I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you all of the title of this blog. If you got stopped…you deserved it. I don’t arbitrarily stop folks just to screw with them. It’s rude and, more importantly, illegal. You only have yourselves to blame. So suck it up, say “I’m sorry”, and call it day.