So, that’s the route you wanna take?

All I wanted was one more bloody ticket. Not bullshit static from a teenager…

I stopped a kid for turning right on a red (illegal between 1445 and 1530). The stop went like this:
MC: Know why I stopped you?
Stupid A-hole Teen: No.
MC: You can’t turn right on red back there between 2:45 and 3:30.
SAT: Oh, man! Is that sign new?
MC: No, it’s been here at least as long as I have and I’ve been here for five years.
SAT: I can’t get another ticket
MC (suppressing a chuckle): Uh, just for future reference…not the best defense. You have your license and registration?
Our hero returns to the bike and scratches out a quick cite and sidles back up to the truck.
MC: Okay, I need you to sign on the yellow highlighted portion.
SAT: Are you really going to give me a ticket for this? (Thus the title of this post)
What I wanted to say: You ain’t holding a fuckin’ invite to the policeman’s ball there, Chief.
What I did say…actually I didn’t say anything. I believe I had a look on my face and accompanying hand gestures in order to convey the whole “You ain’t holding a fuckin’ invite to the policeman’s ball there, Chief” vibe I was attempting to pull off.
SAT: (And this is on of my favorite lines, by the by) Don’t you have anything better to do.
MC: Listen, I don’t need your static. Sign the ticket. (Waited for SAT to sign) And as matter of fact, I actually don’t have anything better to do. See that motorcycle back there? I ride that around all day and enforce the vehicle code.
SAT (adopting a condescending passive/aggressive tone): Well, that’s good.
MC: It is indeed good. You have a pleasant day.
SAT: You, too.
Pay attention drivers…time for a reality check. There’s a reason I get paid the big bucks (double over belly laughing…where the fuck is my big bucks check?!?!) to ride a motorcycle. I get paid to enforce the California Vehicle Code. It’s like my Bible. If you sin (violate the CVC), I get to play the role of the avenging angel and lop your dome from whence it sits upon thine neckethst (read issue a ticket…but I like the whole lopping angel better).
You know who you should blame? Take a look in that rearview mirror, Jack. IT’S YOU! You’re the idiot that can’t seem to figure out how to properly maintain a lane, slow down, wear a seatbelt, stay on the right side of the damn road, hang up your fucking cell phone, stop at a red light, etc.
Remember when you took that test to get your driver’s license? Remember signing it? You ever figure out what the hell you were signing? Well, let me clue you in, campers…you’re basically saying you read the book and you get the rules. No cheating off your neighbor. No stuffing a crib sheet in your jock and/or bra. (And/Or? Sign of the times…I keep this shit current, Yo.) So, when you violate a section and you get your peepee spanked, you should know why. Don’t bitch about it. Don’t get bent at me. I wasn’t sitting on your shoulder like a little devil telling you to make that turn.
I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you all of the title of this blog. If you got stopped…you deserved it. I don’t arbitrarily stop folks just to screw with them. It’s rude and, more importantly, illegal. You only have yourselves to blame. So suck it up, say “I’m sorry”, and call it day.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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9 thoughts on “So, that’s the route you wanna take?

  1. From the other side of the driver's side door:

    Officer: Do you know why you're being stopped?
    Driver: Yes.
    Officer: Why?
    Driver: I was doing 65 in a 55.
    Officer: That's right. Why were you speeding?
    Driver: Just in a hurry, I guess.
    Officer: How's your driving record?
    Driver: I've got one ticket two years ago for speeding.
    Officer: I'm gonna check.

    Which he does do. I've heard that this 'check' is significant somehow, but I don't know why. He's gone a few minutes, then he comes back.
    Officer: Okay, you can go.
    Driver: I can?
    Officer: Yeah. Slow down, though.
    Driver: Sure! Yeah! Thanks! Hey, thanks!

    What a great day! Then there's the other driver of the day, my best friend Eddy, who was driving a 1969 Plymouth Road Runner (around 1969).

    Officer: You got hot pipes on that car, son?
    Driver: F***, I don't know. Reach down and feel 'em.
    Ticket: Excessive noise.

    Officer: You know how fast you were going back there?
    Driver: Not fast enough.
    Ticket: Speeding.

    Officer: You know why you're being stopped?
    Driver: Hey, why don't you tell me. You're the genius with all the answers.
    Ticket: Speeding.

    Officer: The speed limit along this road is 35. You were clocked at 45.
    Driver: Well there's a big f***ing surprise.
    Ticket: Speeding.

    Officer: You failed to come to a full stop at that stop sign back there.
    Driver: Hey, that's b***s***! I did too come to a f***in' stop, you can ask any of these guys in the car with me.
    Officer: That's not what I saw.
    Driver: Well then you need f***in' glasses, because I came to a full stop and looked around. You don't believe me, you can just ask any of these guys here.
    Passenger: Eddie, shut up. Officer? I honestly saw us come to a full stop, for what ever that's worth.

    – Which I did. The officer was fishing for beer, which we didn't have. He let us go with a warning to be more careful, and Eddie groused about the stop all night.

    Eddie did eventually stop speeding, grew up, got married and did pretty well for himself and his family.

  2. If you got stopped, you deserved it..

    Very true, and I deserved and earned the one's I've gotten, and been in awe when I got cut loose.

    I just wanna play interstate pace car (or bike)…'cause I have nothing better to do. 😉

  3. "…jock and/or bra. (And/Or? Sign of the times…I keep this shit current, Yo.)"

    You had me going until you added "Yo".

  4. Mad Jack:

    Officer: The speed limit along this road is 35. You were clocked at 45.
    Driver: Well there's a big f***ing surprise.
    Ticket: Speeding.

    *tsk tsk* MC would never say "clocked". 😉

  5. Yo! Current indeed.

    If they put on the ballot that I could be slapped and called an idiot instead of paying a fine, I'd vote for that…and I think MC would too.

  6. Another shining example where honesty and politeness is the best policy.

    If i were ever stopped for anything, i would accept full responsibility, and pray that the officer finds it that he can let me go with a warning….

    if not.. i'm so poor i'd probably have to beg the judge for community service to pay off the ticket or something like that lol.

  7. Wife,

    Tsk'ng…excellent work. And don't blame me for the 'Yo', I didn't make it up. ;-p

    HM,

    Oh Sweet Mother, Mary of God, don't I wish.

  8. "I keep this shit current, Yo."

    That line cracked me up!

    By signing for their driver license, every driver in the state also gave their consent to a chemical test of their blood or breath for the presence of alcohol, but try reminding them of THAT when you're doing the forced blood draw.

    Good post. I've lost count of how many times I've gone off on that rant.