And I say Part I because there’s more to what follows. That is to say I’m not sure how to properly phrase what’s on my mind without stepping on my junk, you know? Think of this post and its eventual future part(s) as akin to Stephen King’s Dark Tower series, you just never know when that fucker is gonna write another one. Fear not, though, I’ll do something creative like name the follow up post “Selective Enforcement – Part II”. I know. I’ll wait for you to catch your breath.
At any rate, and without further ado, I present to you our first installment…
I stopped a very nice Mercedes today. It was driven by a well dressed gentleman. A gentleman that apparently likes to drive 13 MPH over the posted speed limit. He was very cordial during the initial contact and, to be fair, mostly cordial when I handed him his ticket. What he said, however, fired a synapse in my brain that has been irritating me more and more of late.
He said, “Why can’t we get a break? We donate all kinds of money to you.”
Oh, sweet tap dancing Christ on a crutch (Sorry, Lord, that has always rolled off the tongue so well), where to start. First…what’s with the ‘we’, chief? You royalty of some kind? In that case, Your Highness, thanks ever so much for deigning to speak with me, your humble ser….nah, fuck it, I can’t do it.
Second, and more importantly, I’d really like to make a sweeping overall point here. How to put it delicately….thinking, thinking…oh, I got it….YOUR CONNECTIONS/DONATIONS/BRIBES/CONTRIBUTIONS/MOTHER’S UNCLE’S SECOND COUSIN YOU BLEW ONCE IN THAT BOATHOUSE WILL NOT GET YOU OUT OF A TICKET!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t care how much money you donated to the 11-99 foundation (which by the way is for CHP…of which I am not a member) or, for that matter, to a department I actually belong to. To the best of my knowledge, there is no caveat and/or addendum to CVC 22350 (speeding) or any other section, come to think of it, that includes the verbiage “lest you donate shitpots full of cash”.
If you feel so moved as to give freely and of your own volition to your local PD, God bless and thanks very much. We need any assistance we can get. Hell, we wouldn’t have a K9 program if it wasn’t for some well needed donations. Know what, though? Your generosity, although very appreciated, is not carte blanche to violate the law.
I’d like to think that if I had more money than sense and I decided to buy the DEA a new helicopter, I wouldn’t expect them to ignore the 300 acre grow I’ve got in the backyard. On a smaller and more realistic scale, if I donated some money to a PD and subsequently got stopped for speeding (or any other violation for that matter), I’d suck it up and take the hit. That’s what responsible people do.
Know what you don’t do? You don’t tell the cop that stopped you, “Hey, I gave at the office…what say you look the other way on this one.”
I believe my response to him was, “Well, sir, I didn’t realize donating money was an exemption to the speed limit.” Or something along those lines.
So, please, friends, if you feel so moved to give, please do. But, do me and the rest of us LEOs a favor, do it from the heart and not as a reason to get out of some future deed. It truly tarnishes the gift…at least in my opinion.
Now keep those eyes open for Part II…