Lately, I’ve had so many random thoughts swirling around in my head and I find myself in the midst of doing something else, so I lose track of reminding myself to make note of them to share with you, my adoring public (and by that I mostly mean the Wife and Mom…and maybe HM (admit it!)). The point being that the following post will by no means have a flow because I can’t be bothered to separate them all into individual posts. Deal with it.
To be fair, I’m sitting at the PD and it’s too cold at the moment to go out and harass the poor, unsuspecting citizens, so I thought I’d make use of their fine taxpayer money to bitch about them. Makes solid fiscal sense to me. And for those of you to the North and East about to comment about how it really isn’t cold and I’m a wuss for whining….I don’t see your asses out there in 35 degree mornings riding a Motor, so shut up.
Without further ado…
It’s a Lidar, ya tard, not a Radar. It seems no matter how many times or different ways I explain either at the scene or in court to the person I cited, they just don’t seem to get it. This is the 21st century. Radar is for cars. If you’re in a group of 40 cars, and you’re far enough away (giving me enough time), I can tell you how fast each individual car is going. Radar picks up the biggest reflective object. Give me a box truck and a motorcycle, the Radar picks up the box truck. The Lidar is target specific and wicked accurate. At 1000′, the beam is only about three feet wide. So, yeah. It was you I got speeding. We both know it, so stop your bitching.
Another thing…I don’t “clock” anyone. Who am I? Flavor fucking Flav? Do you see a giant clock around my neck? Oh, you don’t? Well then. I’m sure back in 1960, they used clocks to determine speed (fps…feet per second which can then be mathematically calculated to miles per hour). But, check it out, that was almost 50 fucking years ago. Did you know both women and black folks can vote now? I swear it’s true. Amazing, huh? Oh, and we’ve been to the moon.
Is there a reason I go to traffic court so damn often? Not that I mind! On my days off, I get paid OT ($60/hr) to go. It’s four hours of pay for less than five minutes of work. No worries. Here’s the thing though. Let’s assume you are the defendant. You have to take time off to go to the arraignment. If you plead not guilty, you have to take time off again for the trial. Something to be aware of, here. I’ve been to traffic court well in excess of 150 times. I’m familiar with it. I can count on one hand how many cases I’ve lost. Not because the defendant won, mind you. A couple of times, the Traffic & Engineering Survey (required to use a Lidar) expired, deeming the area a ‘speed trap’ (more on that in a minute). The other reason I’ve lost is because it was a cite issued based on a collision report and my witness couldn’t get to court, so since I didn’t witness the collision, my testimony would be hearsay..ergo, dismissed. All your fantasies of winning against me are just that. Fantasies. I know it sounds arrogant, but I’m just trying to save you some time.
Your last ditch hope is that I won’t show up for court. If the cop doesn’t show, it’s an automatic dismissal. I’ve missed one or two in the last five years and that was because I forgot (poor planning on my part). Would you pass up nearly $250 for five minutes of your time? Exactly.
Ok. “Speed Trap”. What a misnomer. There is actually a Vehicle Code definition of a speed trap. I alluded to it above. The Town has a number of Traffic & Engineering Surveys that basically justify the posted speed limit. It has to do with the 85th percentile speed being within 7 MPH of the posted speed limit. If it’s greater than that or the Survey is expired, the area is deemed a speed trap. My point is a speed trap is not where we “hide” to “trap” you for speeding. More often than not, I sit in full view of traffic. Don’t blame me cause you’ve got your head in a dark, smelly place and don’t see me. I don’t know how many times I’ve told people, “I wasn’t in your car pushing your foot down on the gas.” Make no mistake…as the title of this blog indicates, if I stop you, you deserve it (it’s your fault).
There are some websites about “speed traps” and where to find them (the idiot definition of a speed trap, not the legal one). I was just perusing one when I clicked on an ad for a former officer that gives you advice on how to beat the ticket. The minimum fee is $100, plus document processing fee of $149. If my math holds up, that looks to be about $249. You know what the typical fine is for speeding? In my experience, less than $200. Awesome. Fight away.
Should be warming up a little by now…off to fight the good fight.