Although I was hoping for a laid back OT shift, I couldn’t be happier to have assisted with the following detail…
My partner and I were in the PD. He was eating and I was finishing up a T/C report from last week. He got dispatched to a trespass/suspicious circumstance detail at a well known abandoned house. Well, he was eating and Lord knows you never know if you’ll get to finish your meal. Consequently, I offered to take it for him so he could finish eating.
The house has been vacant for as long as I’ve been assigned to the Town. It is a haven for ridiculous shenanigans. I’m also fairly convinced it’s haunted (I’m only partly kidding).
Sure enough, upon arrival, I see a Lexus sedan pulled a few hundred feet up the driveway. Obvious as all hell. I asked for a cover car since, well, since the house is haunted and there’s no way my Mom’s kid is going in that house by his lonesome. My partner (now having left his dinner…sorry, bro) and the Sgt. arrive a few minutes later. Noting the potential seriousness of the detail, I quickly asked which of them was Shaggy and which was Scooby, ’cause I was claiming Fred. After an inappropriate accusation of “He’s Velma”, we started towards the house.
The house is all boarded up, with the exception of the rear door which has a panel kicked in the lower half of the door. It measures, about 2 1/2′ square. We all go through the panel (some of us easier than others) and announce ourselves. We are met with the sound of scurrying upstairs. Great. Haunted house plus scurrying. Fuck.
My partner makes another announcement and what do you know? A teenage boy’s voice greets us….along with a teenage girl’s. Shocking. Once we figured out there was no seriously illicit activity occurring, the Sgt bounced and my partner and I were left with loverboy and his filly. Fantastic.
Let me try and describe the scene. The WMJ (white male juvenile) is shirtless and scrambling for his shirt. The WFJ (figure it out) looked like she was only missing her shoes…although she appeared a wee bit sweaty for recent activity. The upstairs area of the house is completely boarded up with cracks in the boards, so a little filtered light gets in…but the sun is almost down. There are three mattresses on the floor. They have been there for years. The room is covered in graffiti. It smells of piss.
My partner and I start asking them just what they think they’re doing. WMJ mutters something about not starting anything yet, but there is an unopened prophylactic on the mattress. Sexy. My partner, rightly so, looks at WFJ and says, “You should have more respect for yourself.” Couldn’t have said it better.
I’m gonna go ahead and guess it wasn’t going to be her first time. But, sweet Jesus, can you imagine if it was? I’m assuming most of us remember our first time. Pretty sure none of us would want to start out the story with “What’s-his-name and I trespassed into a shitty, smelly, stuffy, dirty house with god knows what crawling in/on/under the mattresses and he made mad sweet love to me. Christ, I miss him!” Yeah, she’s destined for greatness.
So, long story short, I got their horsepower (names, DOB, etc.) and FI’d (Field Interview) them for our records and told them to split. And here’s where I realized the paths of Romance and this generation run parallel and never cross. This modern day Romeo walked back to his Lexus with Sweet Young Thing (who was more than willing to throw up her legs in a passionate petri dish). Romeo walked to the driver side. SYT to the passenger. They both got in. He didn’t even open the fucking door for her. What a Douche. I even told him so…kinda. I believe I said something to the effect of “You bring her to this shit hole, get caught, and then don’t open the door for her? You are fucking unbelievable.” SYT said, “It’s okay.” No, sweetie. It ain’t.
Oh, did I forget to mention it was Romeo’s birthday. Boy, that SYT must really love him.
This is where the story ends, but I was really hoping to hear Romeo scream out the window as he drove away, “And I woulda fucked her if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”