MC Finds the Holy Grail AND the Ark of the Covenant

Here’s something I’ll be you didn’t know.

When we cite someone that has never been been given a ticket before, we get extra credit.  It’s totally true.*  Why just the other day I stopped two women in a row.  Neither had ever been stopped, let alone cited, before.  Double.  Whammy.  Forget extra credit.  I was totally allowed a day off with pay for my efforts.**

I politely smiled at each of them as I dreamed of all the benefits of destroying their perfect driving records.  I mean, points toward early retirement and commendations in the inner sanctum where all our secret SoulCrushing rituals occur?  My head was dizzy with the thoughts of being the next Grand Exalted Crusher.

ark of the covenantphoto © 2010 donielle g | more info (via: Wylio)

Do you know how hard it is to find those pure of blemish on their driving record?  Nigh to impossible, I assure you.  It’s like looking for the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail.

Eat your heart out, Indiana.  Not only did I find the traffic cop’s equivalent of these two artifacts, I found them inside of fifteen minutes of one another.  And there was no lame ass spaceship at the end of my stop.  (Glares at George Lucas butting in on Spielberg gold).

Listen, no one is a perfect driver, not even (gasp) yours truly.  If you’ve never been cited before it’s simply because you’ve never been caught breaking a traffic law.  Your time is bound to run out at some point.  And I’ll be there waiting to collect my shiny new Ticket Virgin limited edition ring.***


*It’s totally not. Stop listening to old wive’s tales and think for yourself, will ya?

**I totally was not.

***Do you really need me to tell you I made that up?

Feature Image credit: Flickr and Dan Culleton

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11 thoughts on “MC Finds the Holy Grail AND the Ark of the Covenant

  1. laughed so hard.

    You’re totally right, I’ve screwed up so many times (mainly due to driving while fatigued) that I’m sure my driving record would be horrible by now.

    I can even remember the time I got my first ticket (had to go to driving school). I was on my way home down speedway from work, this was…. 2006 I reckon, or early 2007, and I wanted to make a left at the next light. This was about 2:15 AM in the morning.

    Well, tried to pass this guy on my left, he sped up a bit, so I sped up a bit, then he sped up a bit, and so I floored it.

    Lights in rearview mirror, time to pull over.

    And damned if it wasn’t a motorcycle cop sporting an 80’s mustache. Never did get his name, but learned that perhaps I should play it safe and make that turn a few seconds later by slowing down and getting behind the guy in that lane.

    Second time, oddly enough was ANOTHER motorcycle cop ( You fellas seem to love those ‘staches. Keep the bugs from getting in your mouth or something?) when I turned left onto a one way street at 3 in the morning (just moved in the neighborhood and had a case of the munchies). Was headed to the corner store and the light was about to turn red, wouldn’t make it past, so made that left and lights in the mirror again !

    Seems the common denominator with both times was me getting greedy and impatient with my driving.

    • It’s nice that you recognize the common denominator. You’re what’s right with the motoring public!

      And the ‘staches? Can’t explain it. It simply is.

  2. I’ve never gotten a ticket in my life.

    I would be honored to have that streak broken by you, but when I was in Northern California a couple weeks back, I did not run into you, no matter how fast I drove.


  3. I’ve only had one ticket for a parking violation. There have been many tickets though that I’ve deserved but never got.

    Speaking of that…when our girls were younger and we would travel on the interstate, they would watch their dad’s speed and if he went over and had to slow down the girls would say, “That’s ticket number one! and “that’s ticket number two!” When they got to about 200 or if they lost count then they would start all over again. Of course they never had to do that with mom…

  4. My 64-yr-old Dad has never been pulled over. It’s because he doesn’t stay in the left lane WHICH IS MEANT FOR PASSING. Good driving karma.

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