Here’s something I’ll be you didn’t know.
When we cite someone that has never been been given a ticket before, we get extra credit. Â It’s totally true.* Â Why just the other day I stopped two women in a row. Â Neither had ever been stopped, let alone cited, before. Â Double. Â Whammy. Â Forget extra credit. Â I was totally allowed a day off with pay for my efforts.**
I politely smiled at each of them as I dreamed of all the benefits of destroying their perfect driving records. Â I mean, points toward early retirement and commendations in the inner sanctum where all our secret SoulCrushing rituals occur? Â My head was dizzy with the thoughts of being the next Grand Exalted Crusher.
Do you know how hard it is to find those pure of blemish on their driving record? Â Nigh to impossible, I assure you. Â It’s like looking for the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail.
Eat your heart out, Indiana. Â Not only did I find the traffic cop’s equivalent of these two artifacts, I found them inside of fifteen minutes of one another. Â And there was no lame ass spaceship at the end of my stop. Â (Glares at George Lucas butting in on Spielberg gold).
Listen, no one is a perfect driver, not even (gasp) yours truly. Â If you’ve never been cited before it’s simply because you’ve never been caught breaking a traffic law. Â Your time is bound to run out at some point. Â And I’ll be there waiting to collect my shiny new Ticket Virgin limited edition ring.***
*It’s totally not. Stop listening to old wive’s tales and think for yourself, will ya?
**I totally was not.
***Do you really need me to tell you I made that up?
Feature Image credit: Flickr and Dan Culleton