This is a message for you parents out there.
Not a week goes by in which I walk into the local StarPeet’s to see little toe-headed tyke clinging to Mummy’s flowing skirt crying for a donut. Â Hey, I feel the kid’s pain. Â I want a donut, too; however, I’ve gotta resist from time-to-time. Â I can’t be a walking clichÃ© every day, right?
At any rate, as I stand in line to get my cup o’ caffeine, the truculent little cuss’ mom will inevitably see me standing there minding my own business. Â She’ll grab her pint-sized malfeasant, spin him around, point right at me (again, minding my own damn business) and she’ll say something to the effect of, “If you don’t knock it off, he’ll take you to jail!”
Now just what in the blue hell am I supposed to do with that? Â Here are my suggestions:
photo Â© 1987 Chris Schmich | more info (via: Wylio)1. Walk over, cuff the kid, put him in the back of the car, and drive away. Â All while not saying word one to Mom. Â I’d drive kid to the nearest donut shop, buy him a dozen donuts and a large coffee (extra sweet), then deliver him back to what I’m sure would be a hysterical mother by the time we returned and then I’d say, “Enjoy the next few hour’s sugar-palooza.”
2. Look at the kid and say, “I’ll bet you can yell even louder than that, son. Â I’ll buy you the biggest donut in this joint if you make Mom cry.” Â The advantage of this over the first option is there isn’t an element of kidnapping and I’d get to see Mom’s reaction. Â Mostly that second one, though.
3. Look at Mom with my patented disdainful glare and say, “Lady, your kid is seven. Â How’s about you be a parent instead of making me out to be the f’n boogeyman!” Â Just because the kid wants a cruller doesn’t mean you lose all your parenting skills. Â Not to mention the fact that you are priming that kid for a future of fearing law enforcement. Â How do you think that’ll play out, genius?
4. Smile at the kid and say, “Junior, Mom is full of shit (just for the shock factor…on both their faces). Â There is no way in the world I’m taking you anywhere. Â I’d suggest you obey your Mom here, though, because it’s the respectful thing to do…even if she doesn’t necessarily deserve it.” Â ‘Course that one may have to be altered a bit depending on the kid’s age. Â Might have to default to “you should listen to Mommy” if the kid’s three or something, but still include the idea that I won’t be doing anything to them.
What is it about parents that have no backbone using law enforcement to get their kids to mind? Â Do you know how many times I’ve been to someone’s house because their kid wouldn’t go to school? Â That is not a joke. Â People call the cops because they don’t have the ever-loving stones to get their bratty kid outta bed and off to school.
If the MC’lets ever pull that, you can believe I’ll be driving them myself and subsequently attending every. class. they. have. Â No joke. Â Then again, I’m not a pushover parent. Â I’m involved in my kid’s lives. Â I’m raising them to respect the Wife and I. Â Attitude doesn’t fly at MCPD.
Calling the cops because your 14-year-old doesn’t like third period French is…follow along here…not a police matter. Â If said it before and I’ll say it again, I can’t fix in 14 minutes what it took you 14 years to screw up.
Along those same lines, telling your kid(s) that I’ll take them to jail, whether or not you are joking with them and whether or not they are even acting out, is a terrible precedent to set. Â Minimally, you are laying the subconscious groundwork for the mistrust and/or fear of law enforcement. Â At the worst, you may spark an instantaneous terror at being ripped from your side. Â Nothing on that spectrum is positive.
You may find your attempt at humor amusing…and to you it may very well be. Â To me, however, it hints at your inability to control your offspring and be a parent. Â There are countless people in this world that have children. Â Sadly, only a percentage of them are parents. Â That is to say, any two horny idiots can procreate. Â That doesn’t make them parents.