I’ve come to notice something about myself.
I have incredible timing. Call it the luck of the Irish. Although, I’m Scottish (Clan Gunn…how’s that for badass irony?).
Case in point, I hear the following all the time:
“I always (insert compliance with vehicle code).”
Also frequently heard:
“I never (insert violation of vehicle code).”
I’m pretty sure I’ve posted about absolutes before, but this is as good a time as any to review them.
When you use words like always and never, you are painting yourself into one tiny-ass little corner of the ether, friends. We are all human and tend to have our little quirks, foibles, and mistakes. So using an absolute is a pretty huge statement. As it happens, it is also usually crap.
Where does the luck come in, you ask?
I have an uncanny ability to find you when you make that one mistake you’ve never, ever made in your entire life before I happened to see you not wearing a seatbelt or talking on your cell phone or speeding or wearing a glasses that have a temple width of one-half inch or more if any part of such temple extends below the horizontal center of the lens so as to interfere with lateral vision.
I’m totally gonna try to find that last one, by the by.
The stop has been known to happen like this:
MC: Do you know why I stopped you?
AAV (Absolutely A Violator): No, sir.
MC: You weren’t wearing your seatbelt (or any other violation).
AAV: I always wear it!
MC: Unfortunately, you weren’t when I saw you.
AAV: But, I only took it off for a second to retrieve a five-spot for the homeless cuddly blind orphaned nun on whom you should have mercy.
AAV: Officer, you may not believe this…
MC nodding in agreement
AAV: …but I am such a nazi*about wearing my seatbelt. I’ve never done it before!
It seems I catch dozens of people a week that have their personal houses in alignment with Jupiter and the fates have conspired against them and, although they always comply, in a moment of weakness no doubt inspired by Beelzebub himself, I swoop in and coincidentally take advantage of the one time in their lives they’ve ever done the very thing (or don’t do the very thing) they’ve dedicated their very lives to insure they do (or don’t do) without fail and damn the torpedoes!
If I didn’t think the lottery was a tax on the poor and uninformed, I’d go buy myself a damn ticket. I’m the luckiest freaking dude on this rock!
*Why do people align themselves with genocidal maniacs when it comes to being dedicated to something, by the way? Is that weird or is it just me?
Photo Courtesy of Flickr and FarhadFarhad