It’s All in the Timing

I’ve come to notice something about myself.

I have incredible timing.  Call it the luck of the Irish.  Although, I’m Scottish (Clan Gunn…how’s that for badass irony?).

Case in point, I hear the following all the time:

“I always (insert compliance with vehicle code).”

Also frequently heard:

“I never (insert violation of vehicle code).”

I’m pretty sure I’ve posted about absolutes before, but this is as good a time as any to review them.

When you use words like always and never, you are painting yourself into one tiny-ass little corner of the ether, friends.  We are all human and tend to have our little quirks, foibles, and mistakes.  So using an absolute is a pretty huge statement.  As it happens, it is also usually crap.

Where does the luck come in, you ask?

I have an uncanny ability to find you when you make that one mistake you’ve never, ever made in your entire life before I happened to see you not wearing a seatbelt or talking on your cell phone or speeding or wearing a glasses that have a temple width of one-half inch or more if any part of such temple extends below the horizontal center of the lens so as to interfere with lateral vision.

I’m totally gonna try to find that last one, by the by.

The stop has been known to happen like this:

MC:  Do you know why I stopped you?

AAV (Absolutely A Violator): No, sir.

MC: You weren’t wearing your seatbelt (or any other violation).

AAV: I always wear it!

MC: Unfortunately, you weren’t when I saw you.

AAV: But, I only took it off for a second to retrieve a five-spot for the homeless cuddly blind orphaned nun on whom you should have mercy.

MC: Right.

AAV: Officer, you may not believe this…

MC nodding in agreement

AAV: …but I am such a nazi*about wearing my seatbelt.  I’ve never done it before!

It seems I catch dozens of people a week that have their personal houses in alignment with Jupiter and the fates have conspired against them and, although they always comply, in a moment of weakness no doubt inspired by Beelzebub himself, I swoop in and coincidentally take advantage of the one time in their lives they’ve ever done the very thing (or don’t do the very thing) they’ve dedicated their very lives to insure they do (or don’t do) without fail and damn the torpedoes!

If I didn’t think the lottery was a tax on the poor and uninformed, I’d go buy myself a damn ticket.  I’m the luckiest freaking dude on this rock!

*Why do people align themselves with genocidal maniacs when it comes to being dedicated to something, by the way?  Is that weird or is it just me?

Photo Courtesy of Flickr and FarhadFarhad 

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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9 thoughts on “It’s All in the Timing

    • No coincidence here. I have a big Santa Claus style list of people who have never done anything wrong when they drive. (The elves have a side business doing traffic recon ever since the big man took to believing parents when they report “my child is an angel.”) I target only those poor souls who always drive the right way. I might follow a Target for months before I find the one glorious moment in their ultra-righteous lives that they make a mistake.
      Mooah-haa-haa-haaaah!!!!

  1. I do always wear my seatbelt. I almost always use turn signals, rarely speed, usually change lanes properly, etc. I do not, however, do a great job of remembering when my inspection sticker expires (which is kind of stupid, since it’s RIGHT THERE on the windshield, but there you go). There is probably some correlation there with how I’ve never gotten a ticket for a moving violation, but have gotten a ticket for expired inspection.

  2. Obviously the roads are packed with perfect drivers who disengage their seat belts, speed a little, talk on their phones, drink that little bit too much or drive in an assortment of unlawful ways all because they are worried about your job security and therefore break their perfect records and make these little sacrifices to keep you employed. Such nice folk you have in your area. Either that or they are outright liars.

    And by the by the Chiefship of the clan Gunn is currently vacant. Maybe it’s time for a little genealogical research on the old MC family tree. That’s one job promotion that comes with its own Kilt but alas no stripes.

  3. I do always wear my seatbelt. I am a bit fanatical about making sure everyone is strapped in before even putting the car in gear. However, the one and only time I received a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt, was the one and only time I was driving without it. My youngest daughter – who was 3 at the time – had picked a booger and was now freaking out because it was on her finger. In order to get it off her finger and prevent further melt down, I unbuckled, turned semi- around in my seat to reach her, wiped her finger and was promptly pulled over. Turns out I drove right by the officer as I was grabbing the booger.

  4. Have you ever pull someone over who gave the I always speech BUT acknowledge they deserve the ticket. They were just shock they did something they never done before?

  5. Had the same today from an out-of-towner driving a Buick, doing 71 in a 50km/hr limit:

    Me: I’ve stopped you for doing 71 in a posted 50 limit. (Buick stopped facing nearest 50 sign)

    AAV: I never speed, it must have been someone else!

    Me: Well there’s only one lane and there’s no-one else here (followed by polite demand to see relevant documents)

    AAV: Do you have to do this, I never speed?

    Me: Yes sir, (repeats demand)

    AAV: (Raising voice) I never speed!

    Me: Ok (standard neutral reply to b.s. (repeats demand-three times now)

    AAV: (shouting) I wasn’t speeding!!

    Me: Sir, you were and you’re being filmed and recorded (points to mike on shirt)

    AAV: So what, what are you going to do? (sneering)

    Me: If you refuse to identify yourself Sir, I’ll arrest you (sound of ‘cuff pouch being unsnapped,which is on eye level with chummy)

    AAV: Ah…….(d/l produced and leaves with reduced ticket)

    Arrogant middle-aged Buick hick- 0 Good guys-1.