As promised earlier on Facebook…
Today brought another fun filled court experience….and another Bitterman episode.
Ofr. Bitterman and I coincidentally had morning traffic court at the same time today. Bitterman thought he was lucky going early in the calendar. Poor hapless Bitterman.
The Judge called Bitterman’s case. Bitterman walked up and waited for the defendant to walk up. The defendant didn’t appear to be in court. Bitterman gave his testimony, the Judge found the absent defendant guilty. Bitterman was just about to the threshold of the doorway when this happened:
SET (to be explained): I DON’T GET TO SAY ANYTHING???
Silence fell upon the courtroom. All the cops looked to the back of the room. Then at the Judge. Oh man, this is gonna be good. Bitterman just froze in the doorway, a small shake of the head at his shitty luck.
SET (wait for it….): I’M NOT A CRIMINAL. I’M A SPECIAL ED TEACHER! (ergo SET).
Judge: Uh, I called your case why didn’t you approach?
SET: No one told me what to do!
Judge: Alright. Why don’t you have a seat and watch a few cases to get a feel for how they go. Ofr. Bitterman, you don’t mind do you?
Bitterman (teeth set just so): No, your honor.
The judge called a few more cases, mine not amongst them. This was just fine with me…I needed blog fodder.
Judge: Calling SET.
Bitterman walked up and stood at the lectern. SET walked up in a huff and dropped her bag on the ground.
SET: Now that I’ve been totally humiliated…
Oh. Sweet. Lord. This just keeps getting better.
Judge: Excuse me?
SET: I said I’ve been humiliated.
Judge: Go sit down.
I watched Bitterman’s jaw tighten and I had to stifle a chuckle. The judge continued through the rest of the calendar leaving SET for last. My case was heard (Victory, thank you), but I sat in the back of the courtroom because, well, fodder! Oh…and I forgot that halfway through the calendar, we saw the bailiff walk to the back of the courtroom with a box of kleenex. Priceless.
SET and Bitterman re-approach their respective lecterns. The Judge is truly a nice guy and I’ll be the first to say I have no clue how he keeps his cool and maintains his patience in the face of such obvious idiocy (this case notwithstanding). He explained to SET that he called her last on the calendar to give her more privacy because of her comment about being humiliated. (I must admit to staring at my iPhone pretending to do something besides listen, because I’ll just bet you looked at me with eyes that said, “Will you take a fuckin’ hint and get out?!?” Do you people see the sacrifices I make for your entertainment?)
At any rate, she continued to whine about the injustices of apparently not having a full time sign spinner, a la Round Table, with a large “No U-Turn” sign in the middle of a busy intersection so she would take proper heed and not violate the law. Alas, SET, if only the Town had the disposable income to do such a thing…oh, and we could hire one of those cats that paint themselves silver and stand like statues for hours on end. I’m not really sure what purpose they would serve, but those dudes are cool!
The Judge asked if she would like him to go out and take a look at the intersection and make sure it was properly marked. She sobbingly requested he do just that. Here’s where the Judge takes the easy way out…I know the intersection Bitterman testified to. SET violated the law. It’s extremely well marked. The interesting thing is the Judge will take a case like this “under submission” which translates to (at least in this case and in my opinion) “I’m gonna find you guilty and mail you my decision so you don’t freak the fuck out in my courtroom”. I couldn’t agree more with the tactic!
Much like me, Bitterman tends to get some weird people to interact with. Here’s to another entertaining morning in the justice system!