I’m a what now?

Forgive her, Lord, for she knows not what she does…

MC: Do you know why I stopped you?
Allegedly Late Lady (although I didn’t know it at the time): No (exasperatingly stated by the way).
MC: Do you know what the speed limit is on 123 Ave.?
ALL: 20?
MC (Never having heard of any such limit in Town…or anywhere, for that matter): It’s 30. Do you know how fast you were going?
ALL: No.
MC: 46. Little too fast, but it’s not the end of the world. Do you have your license, registration, and insurance with you?
ALL hands me her info and I skip (not really, but much more of a vivid image, no?) back to the bike. As I am writing the ticket, she decided to pop the back hatch of her vehicle and get out of the car. I politely (honest!) asked her to get back in her vehicle.
ALL: You’re making me late and I need to get something out of my car!
MC: Ma’am, you’re decision to speed is what is making you late, not me. I don’t want any brouhaha (Hell, yeah, I said it), so please just get back in the car and I’ll be with you in a minute.
ALL: I can’t believe you’re making me late.
MC: Just a thought, here, but maybe you’re the one responsible for that.
**Pay Attention Here, Folks!!** Don’t EVER get out of your car (barring some natural disaster or Al-Qaeda attack) for ANY reason (refer to aforementioned imminent cataclysmic doom). It’s a fantastic way to get shot. I don’t give a shit if you think any of the following:
“Oh, it’s just me.” — I don’t know who the fuck you are.
“Oh, it’s just the Town, nothing ever happens here.” — Famous last words…oh, and shit happens here more than your little sheltered Mommy’s club and/or Neighborhood Watch knows. Ignorance is bliss.
“I’m not going to do anything wrong.” — You’ll excuse me if my mind reading abilities are a little fucked up…we haven’t made the switch to the digital signal yet at the PD and things have been running particularly shoddy of late…check back in after 6/12.
“What could I possibly do?” — I have no bloody clue. That’s kinda the fucking point, Pal.
**We now return you to our regularly scheduled traffic stop**
ALL returned, albeit with a huff and an attitude, to her vehicle. I walked back to the car.
MC: Okay, Ma’am, I need you to sign the yellow highlighted portion at the bottom. (I went on to explain Traffic School and the usual rigmarole)
ALL (finished signing, but holding on to my cite book as she puts her registration away): Now you get to wait for me.
MC: Take your time, Ma’am, I’ve got all day.
ALL: So, now you’re going to be a smartass?
Wait a minute, there. Did you just make a smartass comment at me…and then I tell you it’s not a problem…and then you accuse me of being a smartass?!? WTF? Listen, sweetheart, you wanna see a smartass, I’m all for it. Unfortunately, I try to keep than inner monologue wrapped the fuck up or I’d find myself in hot water in a quick second…well that, and it makes for cool blog fodder. Here’s a suggestion…
How’s about you take your bullshit wannabe smartass attitude and shove it right up your (and this is where the beep noise comes in….what, you don’t see the blog as part of Must See TV?)
At any rate, the sheer hypocrisy of this friggin’ harpy was unreal. Mostly because I actually hadn’t been a smartass during the stop. I’m all about taking responsibility for my smartass-ness (-osity?) and having reined it in and still being accused was insulting. I can only imagine her pinhead (atop her rather rotund frame, mind you) would have literally painted the interior of her car with grey matter from the force of the explosion of her head had I actually unleashed the power of my Jedi-like smartass skill.
To quell your suppositions regarding the end of the stop. I believe I just sort of shook my head in disbelief at the audacity of this smartass neophyte and chuckled to myself as I walked back to the bike, cite book in hand, with visions of how to frame the post floating about in my head.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

17 thoughts on “I’m a what now?

  1. The Angry Captain always said it is better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass.

    And the term you are looking for is Smartassedness.
    Sounds like something a smart ass would say.

  2. The "stay in the car" issue may be confusing because many times when you drive by a traffic stop, people are out of the vehicle speaking with the officer(s) and not in any kind of restraint.

    How is being in the car any less dangerous to you than being out of the car, since she could theoretically pull a weapon while inside the car from her center console or glove compartment (or frufru handbag because she sounds like she carries one)?

    Just curious, do you tell the driver specifically to stay in the vehicle while you write him/her up? Is that any kind of standard procedure? Might that alleviate this problem, or would it just go in one ear and out the other?

  3. Yet another reason I am not in law enforcement. I would have let my smartassery comments flow like the sap from a well tapped maple tree in March. More than likely ending my little kitten a$$ in water hot enough to boil an egg.

  4. I love this blog and learn so much from you. I wish I had been a Motor as it sounds like you have a BLAST! Everyone should read this but I fear that even if they read it, they'd STILL be dolts.

  5. "ABC 123 Dept, You want to file a complaint about an Officer becuase you were stopped for speeding? Oh by all means..PLEASE HOLD……………………………………………………………………………………….." Eventually picking the line back up…Oh geez the caller disconnected. Oh Well!!!

  6. North State, in my neck of the woods, we call that "Edison medicine". The officer was 100 percent justified in what he did. Notice how Granny clammed up when the video hit the streets.

  7. People are so stupid when dealing with someone that can (and will if necessary) shoot them. I'm from a long line of cops, I know how to act in a traffic stop. However, I'm glad to have not met a cop with an itchy trigger finger. Last year on a motorcycle touring trip a NY Trooper nailed us for speeding. As we hadn't had a rest stop for some miles, I started to go into the tourpack to get something while he was writingus up and suddenly realized that was probably NOT a good idea – I knew what I was going for – he didn't.

  8. Sunny,

    Those are excellent questions…instead of posting an answer here, I'm gonna copy your comment for a future Saturday Question.

    Further education!!!

  9. Sorry, I just cant get past the image in my head of you skipping back to the bike.
    I think you should do that on your next shift and let us all know how the stop went after that!!

  10. "Mostly because I actually hadn't been a smartass during the stop"

    Perhaps she sensed beneath the surface all the attitude and disdain you're conveying here and reacted to that? Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it (as evidenced by you taking umbrage at the "exasperated" tone of her one-word answer, "No"). After reading a few of your posts, I think the complaints about attitude may legitimately run both ways.

  11. I really wonder why some of these people are running around loose without their keeper. The woman says she's late for a very important appointment. Well, she probably is. The she finishes with 'Now you can wait for me'? Is she nuts?

  12. Hi Motorcop,

    I can easily visualize a terrific reality show based on your blog. Of course, it would have to include your "inner monologue" on traffic stops.

    Morons are profoundly funny – I watch Judge Judy just to see them…

  13. Dispatcher x-y-z you do that to?????? amazing how they hang up after a few minutes of 'time-out-hold' .. it is a nice rest break for us thou!

  14. That was very mature of you. People don’t realize how close they come to verbal smack-downs sometimes.

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