If you don’t want my help…

On one of my last OT shifts before my well earned and much deserved leave, I had occasion to respond to the following debacle…

I was advised by Dispatch of a less than cooperative caller reporting some HS (Health & Safety…short for drug related) activity. The caller wanted some questions answered. She refused to identify herself with the exception of her first name. Being the helpful Officer that I am, I rang her up and had this conversation:
MC: Good Afternoon, this is MC with Town PD.
Non-Cooperative Crazy Woman (this should be self-explanatory soon): Hi. I think my neighbor is growing and dealing marijuana and I want you to do something about it.
MC: Okay. What leads you to believe this is the case?
NCCW: I just know.
MC: Ma’am, unfortunately, I can’t just take your word on something like this. I need some kind of evidence to move forward. Have you seen drug deals happen? Have you seen plants? How did you come to have this information?
NCCW: I’m not prepared to give you any information. Why can’t you just stop them?
MC: Well, Ma’am, I can’t just stop them because at this point, I have nothing that leads me to believe anything illegal is going on. I’d be happy to contact the involved parties if you could just give me a little something to go on.
NCCW: This is ridiculous. I can’t believe you’re not going to help me.
MC: It’s not a matter of not helping you Ma’am. It would be like you calling to tell me your neighbor is a terrorist and I need to report him to Homeland Security. I can’t violate someone’s civil rights just because you say so. I need some kind of evidence or witness.
NCCW: My son won’t be happy.
**Ding, ding, ding** If you have the same suspicion as I do, run, don’t walk to your nearest Police Training Facility and apply. Methinks Little Johnny may have something to do with the purchasing of the Evil Weed!
MC: Ma’am, I understand your hesitation, but if you could just explain your concerns and why you have them, I’d be more than happy to look into it for you.
NCCW: You obviously can’t help me.
MC: Okay, Ma’am, please call back if you can provide me with any relevant information.
I would have liked to follow through on this, but NCCW not only refused to provide her name to Dispatch and I, she also refused to give me other basic info…say, like the address of the alleged dealing, the names of those involved, why she suspected crime was afoot. Now, you’d think that would have been the end of it, right? Come on, haven’t you read my blog before? That ain’t the way shit goes down in Town. About an hour later, I’m dispatched to this:
“PR from previous detail apparently took matters into her own hands” (not something we in Law Enforcement every really want to hear, by the way) “and went to the house where they are growing marijuana. PR reported she smelled marijuana as she walked by the house. She walked up to the door, knocked, and asked the homeowner if she was selling marijuana.”
Sigh. Are you fucking kidding me? I realize I don’t work in South Central Los Angeles or anything, but how fucking stupid do you have to be to waltz up to a house where you suspect they are selling drugs and ask them? Are you trying to get shot? This moron is trying to prove Darwin right.
Again, she refused to provide anything but her first name, with the exception of the address. She probably thought she was forcing my hand into action. The reality of the situation was she had originally failed to provide me with any real evidence. You know, the shit I can tell the judge about?
At any rate, I went to the house. I stood on the sidewalk. I smelled the fresh air, the scent of BBQ on a summer day, but you know what I didn’t smell? Mari-fucking-juana. NCCW is full of shit. I love when folks provide me with bullshit evidence to manufacture a crime so they will get what they’ve built up in their mind as satisfaction.
I walked up to the front door (still not smelling weed, by the by) and knocked on the door. A lady in her late 40’s or early 50’s answered. The conversation went a little something like this:
MC: Hiya. Had any strange conversations in the last 15 minutes or so?
Nice Pot-Growing and/or Compassionate Caregiver Lady: Matter of fact, I have.
MC: Lemme ask you…you growing marijuana here?
NPGCCL (Man, I’m getting carried away with the acronyms): Matter of fact, I am.
MC: You got a 215 card?
NPGCCL: Matter of fact, I do.
MC: Sweet, can I see it?
NPGCCL: Matter of fact, you can.
MC (after seeing here Cannabis Card): You mind if I take a look around?
NPGCCL: Matter of fact, I don’t.
MC: Great.
She walked me around the house and into the backyard. It wasn’t until I was about 10′ from her legally obtained, owned, and cultivated plants that I could finally smell their distinct odor. Both she and her daughter had their cards in order and the legal number of plants.
MC: Thanks for your cooperation. All of these plants are for your personal use only, is that correct?
NPGCCL: Yes, sir.
MC: Fantastic. Listen, someone reported they suspect either you or your son of selling marijuana out of this house.
NPGCCL: Absolutely not.
MC: Lovely. You have a great day.
NPGCCL: You, too.
And that was that. Could she or her son have been selling? Maybe. Hell, probably. But, guess what? I had no evidence and no witnesses. All I had was one paranoid, non-cooperative PR with a death wish who’s son was probably hooked into this debacle at some level. Know what else? Without any of those darn specific details, I have no legal leg to stand on, so spark on, NPGCCL.
I called NCCW to explain my findings to her, what with her being so awful concerned about it in the first place.
MC: Good Afternoon, this is MC with the Town PD, again.
NCCW: *Sigh*, I’m busy with my son right now. I don’t have time to talk to you. You’ll have to call back.
*Click*
Um…wanna bet? For someone so up in arms about the alleged drug dealing occurring in her ‘hood, I found it interesting she didn’t have time to discuss the result of the investigation.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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17 thoughts on “If you don’t want my help…

  1. My guess is she's just bitter that she can't grow some in her backyard, so she's trying to get those who can in trouble. What a nutjob.

  2. LOL! Ok, I know you wasted a lot of time on this, but it was hilarious the way she hung up on you when you tried to call back and explain what went down.

  3. I think it's funny that one of the google ads that came up was entitled "beat your speeding ticket." I'm just sayin'. I love your blog!

  4. I think she was just trying to start trouble, until it became "too much trouble" to start trouble! It wasn't wasted time when it becomes blog fodder.

  5. Ha ha! People are crazy. Period. I love the way you tell a story though. I bet you are fun to have around at dinner parties. Plus, you would never run out of material.

  6. Hmm, my first guess when she mentioned her son was along the lines of 'he is not happy about the competition'

    -Drey

  7. I agree with Drey on this. NCCW said "My son won't be happy." Not "I need to get my son off this stuff," or "I want this weed crap out of my neighborhood."

    Couple that with how secretive NCCW was being, and I suspect NCCW & Son were feeling a bit worried about this thread to their perceived neighborhood monopoly, and wanted to use you as their personal "Securities and Exchange Commission Operative."

    I'm curious, could you find out who NCCW is by looking up her phone number?

  8. Oh, man. I love me some being the call taker on the end of this shit. And I love dispatching officers on a call where I feel the need to apologize to them that they were up next to handle it. Spark on, indeed.

  9. "**Ding, ding, ding** If you have the same suspicion as I do, run, don't walk to your nearest Police Training Facility and apply."

    *starts to run*

    Wait a minute…App in progress already. Heh.

    Great story, thanks for the laugh MC. This is still one of the best cop blogs out there.

  10. Anon 3:22…

    If you're the same Anon from the "Please. Do what you're told." Post, my answer is, "Well, gee whiz, I'd have to develop some possible, oops, I mean probable cause."

    C'mon, man, without evidence, be it from a witness or something I see first hand, I've got a whole lot of nothing and have no legal reason to enter the residence.

    Do I pass the take home lawyer test? Should I apply now? Is this like that art test where I draw either the turtle? Or the pirate? Or the turtle that looks shockingly like a pirate? I always thought I'd could draw a fucking awesome pirate turtle.

  11. Love the post. Are you trying to keep up the state motto of land of the fruits and nuts? I still cant get over the state marijuana laws and cards, amazing.

  12. Hey MC, What if your motor ran out of gas on the way to the house, what would you have done then.

    Oh wait, what if the milk carton was empty for your morning cereal, would you have made eggs?

    Curious Minds Want to Know.

    -Sorry Anon 3:22 could not resist.

  13. Unfortunately, I can't post the pirate turtle. I've had it framed in a case that is so technologically advanced, it prevents either scanning or photo.

    If only the world of science could invent something to project the very images in my artistically advanced head, you'd see one kick ass pirate turtle. I mean, this bitch practically jumps off the page and yells, "YAARRRRR!"

    Dammit, I've looked upon it for too long. Now, I have to find a plank to jump of.

    Pirate turtle is not something to fuck with…

  14. PatrickM…

    Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The cross directory doesn't always list the information.

    Not to mention the fact that she's a wing nut…

  15. "Well, gee whiz, I'd have to develop some possible, oops, I mean probable cause."

    would you have bothered developing probable cause in this situation?

    Wouldn't that involve surveillance of the house and a fair amount of time / effort?

    I mean, you had every right to try to develop probable cause, but would you have spent the time and effort on this particular anonymous complaint if consent had been refused you at the target house?

    Or do you think you would have just let it go, despite the rewfusal of consent?