MC: Do you know why I stopped you?
EARL (weird name for a woman, I know. Entirely Apoplectic Raging Lunatic): No. [The attitude was just beneath the surface. She was pissed that I stopped her.]
MC: Do you know what the speed limit is on Main St.?
MC: It is 40. Do you know how fast you were going?
EARL: I wasn’t going any faster behind the car that was behind me.
MC (Thinking to myself, “Is she trying to Jedi Mind Trick me?!?): Behind the car behind you?
EARL: I just got a ticket the other day. Can’t you give me a warning?
MC: It would seem to me that a warning wouldn’t get the point across too well since you just got a ticket not too long ago. Seems you haven’t learned your lesson. I’m going to need your license, registration, and insurance.
EARL: I wasn’t speeding. I’m very careful about my speed.
MC: Well, ma’am, unfortunately, today you weren’t careful enough since you were doing 54.
EARL: I can’t believe your going to give me a ticket. You’re an ass.
MC: I need your information. Hang tight and I’ll be right back.
I walked back toward the bike and she. lost. her. mind. She started screaming at me from twenty feet away. It was mostly muffled, but at one point, I distinctly heard the SCUD-like MF-er missile launched my way. You remember she had kids in the car, right? Me, too.
I walked back to the car (calmly believe it or not)…
MC: Ma’am, get out of your car and come talk to me, please.
You know when shark’s eyes roll back in their head when they get ready to attack? That was EARL. She rattled off something unintelligible, but just intelligible enough for me to say, “Get out of the car now. Walk over to the sidewalk and talk to me like an adult.”
MC: Let me ask you a question. Do you think that yelling at me and screaming profanity in front of your children is a smart choice right now?
EARL (yelling): I WASN’T YELLING AT YOU!!
MC: Really? Let me tell you something, I don’t appreciate your attitude, demeanor, or your use of profanity in front of your children. Go back to your car. I’ll be right back with your citation.
EARL: YOU’RE NOT MY MOM! YOU CAN’T TELL ME HOW TO TALK TO MY KIDS!
MC: You are acting like a child.
EARL: AND YOU’RE ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE!
MC: Go back to your car. I’m done talking to you.
EARL decided, in her obviously delusional state that it would somehow benefit her to turn around and argue. I told her again to return to her vehicle as it wasn’t safe for her to be walking around on a busy street. At which point, she lobbed the F’n A-hole volley at me. Loudly.
I could do nothing by shake my head at the ridiculousness of not only her over-reaction, but her absolutely abhorrent behavior.
At some point, she demanded to see the lidar. I was inclined to tell her to pound sand as I’m not required to show her and she’d demonstrated repeatedly her inability to be calm and listen to rational discourse. Then, I thought to myself, “Nah. The blog post would be too short, I should totally show it to her.” You’re welcome.
I walked back to the car.
MC: Okay, ma’am, if I can just get you to step out once more, I’ll have you sign this and I’ll show you the lidar.
EARL: I don’t care anymore, just give me the ticket.
MC: Fair enough.
EARL: Fair for you, you mean, you Fucking Asshole! [She said it like it was capitalized. I thought it only fair to do it justice.]
Then EARL broke with reality and did the following:
EARL (turned to her children): This man is an ass! Remember the last cop that stopped Mommy? He was a nice cop. This one is a bad, bad cop. You guys should never talk to the police!
MC: Wow. That is fantastic, ma’am. Thank you for your delightful behavior and for being a great example to your children. If only bad parenting were illegal.
To be fair, I’m not sure she heard the last bit what with the veritable steam whistle emanating from her pie-hole.
The best part of the whole thing was the two citizens that walked by after she drove off. They told me they couldn’t believe she had acted like that. I just chuckled and shrugged as if to say, “What can you do?”
I also ran into another witness later that said he’d be a witness for when the complaint rolled in. Nice to have folks in your corner.