I Am Fluent

I hear so many ridiculous reasons excuses during traffic stops.  It’s gotten to the point that I can translate them fluently.  Here are some examples:

You say, “I can’t afford another ticket.”

I hear, “I break the law all. the. time.”

Prior to even contacting you, you say, “I wasn’t speeding.”

I hear, “I was hauling ass.”

You say, “This is chicken shit!”

I hear, “I am blame shifting in the hopes of dissuading you from writing me my eighth ticket in as many days.”   (loose translation).

Mandarin Insurance: Watermelonphoto © 2005 Daniel X. O’Neil | more info (via: Wylio)You say, “You’re an asshole!”

I hear, “I’m an asshole!”

You say, “I know the (insert political figure here).”

I hear, “I’m desperately trying to name drop in the hopes that you will quake in fear at the mere mention of an authority figure I don’t actually know seeing as how I got his first name freaking wrong.”

You say, “You’re lying!”

I hear, “I’m a desperate loser that has utterly no concept of personal responsibility and if I had even a shred of dignity, I’d admit my obvious error, apologize and take my medicine; alas, that is not the case.”

You say, “Why couldn’t you give me a warning!?!?”

I hear, “I know you could have used your discretion to provide me with warning, but my attitude obviously deserves a more visceral consequence.”

You say, “Must be the end of the month” or “I know the state needs money” or “Gotta meet that quota.”

I hear, “I don’t really care about my violation as I have no respect for you or my fellow drivers.  I am a selfish prat; therefore, I’m going to pick out the tried-and-true whiner’s bitch about how you’re nothing more than a revenue generator.”

You say, “What the hell do melons have to do with this post?”

I hear, “You artistically brilliant SOB, MC.  I marvel at your grasp of the abstract.”

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

9 thoughts on “I Am Fluent

  1. Haha! This was hilarious. I actually was wondering about the melon picture. Another excellent post my friend! I wonder if there is another one lurking in what people say in court?

  2. I wrote a post many moons agi about the excuses when being stopped. My main point was that to “can I just get a warning”, there needs to be in order:

    1) an apology.
    2) a measure of personal responsibility
    3) a clean driving record
    4) the rest of your business in order.

    In other words, don’t give me all of the excuses you mention, say “oh man, you’re right, I just wasn’t paying attention- I was (plausible human excuse for failing to heed law)”, have a license that shows you didn’t just get three tickets for same in the past year, and be valid & not expired/suspended/warrant.

    It oddly enough usually worked.

  3. Guaranteed ticket:

    Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”

    S.A* Motorist: “You smelled the donuts?”


  4. Excuse me but …
    the proper translation of “You’re lying!” is “I am on a first name basis with more than half of your department because I have outstanding warrants. Please call for backup.” You’re welcome.

  5. I have been stopped 4-5 times and each time I simply apologize profusely. Even if it’s just to check my registration & insurance. #scaredofthepopo

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