How can you just stand there and lie like that?

Today, our intrepid hero had traffic court. I shall wait for you to regain consciousness after that bomb dropped…

You okay? Breathing into a paper bag? Bueno…I tarry on.

I had a case regarding speed. Nothing I haven’t testified to literally hundreds of times before. Something about the audacity of today’s defendant, though, really pissed me off. Being the professional purveyor of all things vehicle code related, however, I took it in stride knowing full well I’d just run on home and vent to you all. Please to enjoy…

MC: Good afternoon, you’re honor, MC with the Town PD. This incident occurred on June 6 of this year. On that date, I was in full uniform and riding a marked Town PD Motorcycle. I was parked in the driveway of 123 Main St. for the purpose of monitoring traffic for a variety of vehicle code violations.

I saw the defendant’s vehicle, a silver 2008 pricey car he most likely can’t afford or is leasing (not actually what I said, but so much more entertaining than what I actually said). The vehicle appeared to be travelling in excess of the posted 30 MPH speed limit. I visually estimated the vehicle’s speed at about 45 MPH. Using my hand held Lidar, I confirmed the vehicle’s speed at 44 MPH. I conducted an enforcement stop, contacted the driver who identified himself as LLPF with a valid CA driver’s license. I asked him if he knew what the speed limit was. He said, “25”. I asked him if he knew how fast he was going. He said he did not. I issued him a citation for a violation of CVC 22350 and he signed the promise to appear in your Honor’s court. I am handing him the current Traffic/Engineering Survey for the listed roadway. There are a number of businesses in the area, a Senior Care Facility, and apartments adding to the danger of speeding on Main St.

Judge: Any questions for the Officer?
LLPF (Liar, Liar Pants on Fire): Yes. Where were you parked?
MC: 123 Main St. (I really wanted to add, “Were you not listening? I mean I’m standing like two feet from you.)
LLPF: And where is that?
MC: In between South St. and the freeway.
LLPF: Are you aware there is a Senior Care Facility on that street?
MC: (Dude. Seriously? Are you retarded? Didn’t I just testify to that very fucking thing?) Yes, I am.
LLPF: How far from where you were sitting is the Facility?
MC: Couple hundred feet or so.
LLPF: Did you see me come out of the Facility?
MC: No.
LLPF: Wouldn’t it be hard to get up to 44 MPH in that distance?
MC: It sure would.
LLPF: No further questions.

LLPF went on to testi-lie (you read that right) about how he DID come out of the Facility and there was NO WAY he could have gotten up to that speed in so short a period of time.

Now here’s what I left out of my testimony. After re-approaching LLPF’s car with the citation, he said, “Can’t we get a break? We donate all kinds of money to you guys.” Let me explain something. It is so very tempting to make this douche look like the lying sack that he is in open court. Here’s the thing, though. I’m not trying to look like the Cop with the attitude or chip on his shoulder. His statement, although indicative of his aforementioned douchery, has fuck all to do with the violation. So, I let it go. I’ve heard other cops testify how the defendant told them to “fuck off” or call them an “asshole”. They just sound like whiny little bitches when they bring it up in court. Like they’re citing someone because they were mean to them. At the end of the day, I don’t really give a shit what you call me because you and I both know you got stopped for doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing. Your attitude may be personally irritating, but the law couldn’t care less because it has nothing to do with whatever violation you committed.

The truly difficult thing is I know this jerkwad didn’t come out of the Facility. Of course, I told the Judge that. He took it “under submission” which means he’ll rule on it later and mail his decision. The problem is that of all the times I’ve been told I’d receive the results in the mail, I’ve seldom actually received them.

What the hell is wrong with society today? When did it become okay to straight lie in open court, under oath, no less? I’d like to believe karma will cut this guy off at the knees, but of late, I’ve been much less of a believer in “what goes around comes around”…totally different post, by the by…

The balls on this assclown are unbelieveable.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

16 thoughts on “How can you just stand there and lie like that?

  1. People have no honor any more. Makes me sick. Although I'm glad that you are back to writing!

  2. Oh MC! Don't loose faith. Karma is alive and well and universal justice is a wonderful thing. My x sis-in-law is a lonely miserable woman since she dumped my brother and her lover dumped her. The guy who beat me up is dead now, due to a gang related drug issue. Plus, even if good guys finish last, the reward is far greater, honest! Don't let 'em bring you down!

  3. Our Judge has been asking defendants lately, "Were you not listening when the officer was talking? He already answered your question. Try to pay attention."


  4. I wish I could take my clients infront of a judge. Luckily I had a camera crew with me recently and one of my abuser clients signed the release. Everyone will see what we deal with.
    I think we need more of those traffic shows. Not the crashes, but the liars.

  5. How does a perjury charge work? Since you witnessed him perjuring himself, could you arrest him for it or is that something that the judge would have to pursue?

  6. I agree with you MC, karma is a bitch. Like the LEO who just testified to having one complaint in his file, and it isn't job related – when he has 3, and two of them are for excessive use of force.

    I believe testilying was coined primarily for the testimony of law enforcement officers.

    Good to see you writing again, hope the little one is doing well.

  7. Alex…to the best of my knowledge, that is something the Judge would have to do something about. At the end of the day, we are talking about an infraction trial.

    Yes, it's irritating that this jackhole lied, but it's not really worth getting all riled up about.

  8. Very early in my career it became very clear to me that judges don't let facts get in the way of throwing away my cases. Since then I ceased caring. I don't think I've ever heard a citizen open their mouth in court and not utter a lie.

  9. Well MC, I'm pretty sure it's one of the unintended consequences of the state jacking up the fines and fees so that even a piddly 10mph speeding ticket is now $212 or ~$270 if one wishes to attend traffic school. A lot of people who would previously just pay ~$200 for traffic school are now giving their best shots at fighting tickets (and worst e.g the Special Ed Teacher Lady).

    The simple truth is, 99% of the time there is no recording of the stop, the events preceding it, and that makes skillful testilying way easier than it should be as long as it's not contradicted by anything other than the officer's word.

    Frankly, VC22350 is such an easy charge to beat in most instances due to provisions of VC22351b (that's assuming radar and speed survey papers are good to begin with), overt testilying should not even be necessary.

  10. Y'all will get a kick out of this.

    In our county, the DA's office only appears on infraction traffic in two circumstances- when the defendant hires a private attorney, and when the defendant himself is an attorney.

    The logic is that its unfair to expect a guy like MC to question defense witnesses when the dirtbag, jackass defendant has an expert hired gun to do the same thing.

    So a local, well known defense attorney got popped for 65 in a 55. Of COURSE he contested it- he was no doubt playing the odds and hoping the cop wouldn't show up (and he came very, very close- I won't get into the details, but the cop went above and beyond to appear at this trial.) At any rate, when the trial date came, he didn't even personally appear- he sent a guy that works for him, that has been an attorney for less than 9 months, to handle it for him, and stipulated to a trial in absentia (that's how absurd this trial was.)

    The People (us, the good guys) put on our officer (CHP with 20 years experience,) and the defense put on no one.

    The judge found the absent defendant guilty not just beyond a reasonable doubt, but to a MORAL CERTAINTY. For those that are not familiar with legalese, this means that that the judge bitch-slapped the defendant. Everybody had a hearty laugh, including the 3 Deputy DAs, 2 public defenders, and 2 private attorneys that hung around to observe this spectacle. Usually, a traffic trial has 2 or 3 random hangers-on in the courtroom, but everybody wanted to see this one go down. If we weren't so busy, more DDA's would have shown up to watch the legal ass-kicking.

    Considering the facts he had to deal with, the flunky that the defendant sent did a valiant job of volunteer lamb-slaughtering. But there is only so much you can do.

    At least the attorney had the honor to merely ask questions and spin stuff, instead of flat out lying, like most defendants do.

  11. The company I work for offers membership in ARAG (a prepaid lawyer service). I've lost track of how many times I've seen people post on internal lists asking which ARAG lawyer is best at clearing up speeding tickets.

    WTF? Were you speeding? Did the cop catch you breaking the law? Then take your lumps, maybe youll learn something.

  12. MC – you said the guy had a really expensive car ? So expensive cars can accelerate quickly up to 45 MPH. Easy way to check it out is take his car's performance and the distance and see if it could make 45 in the distance. Then nail him for purjury – reminds me of the guy that tried to get off a speeding ticket in Arizona because he claimed his Hyundai Excel could not go that fast (110+MPH). So Car and Driver tested the car and found that it could go that fast.

  13. Dude. Seriously? Are you retarded? Didn't I just testify to that very fucking thing?

    Um, no, at least not according to the account of your direct testimony. According to you, you said on direct that there was a senior care facility "in the area" and then he asked you whether it was on the street upon which you clocked him. Sometimes a senior care facility can be in the area of 123 Main Street, without actually being on Main Street.

    Anyway, LIDAR w/ integrated video is coming and will take care of these annoying fact disputes soon.

  14. Anon 10:39,

    I may not have included it in the post, but when asked by the defendant where the facility was in relation to where I was parked I said, "About 200 ft."

    And you should know better…I've never "clocked" anyone in my life.

    I would be totally thrilled to get video integrated Lidar! It'd be sweet to show the violation to the driver right then and there. Although it would impact my court OT….hmmmmm….

  15. When you use LIDAR you are clocking a vehicle. LIDAR uses differences in reflection interval taken over a known time period to calculate speed of the target vehicle. I guess you could say that the LIDAR gun is doing the clocking and not you, but the fact of the matter is that LIDAR clocks how long it takes the vehicle to travel a certain (very short) distance.

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