Today, our intrepid hero had traffic court. I shall wait for you to regain consciousness after that bomb dropped…
You okay? Breathing into a paper bag? Bueno…I tarry on.
I had a case regarding speed. Nothing I haven’t testified to literally hundreds of times before. Something about the audacity of today’s defendant, though, really pissed me off. Being the professional purveyor of all things vehicle code related, however, I took it in stride knowing full well I’d just run on home and vent to you all. Please to enjoy…
MC: Good afternoon, you’re honor, MC with the Town PD. This incident occurred on June 6 of this year. On that date, I was in full uniform and riding a marked Town PD Motorcycle. I was parked in the driveway of 123 Main St. for the purpose of monitoring traffic for a variety of vehicle code violations.
I saw the defendant’s vehicle, a silver 2008 pricey car he most likely can’t afford or is leasing (not actually what I said, but so much more entertaining than what I actually said). The vehicle appeared to be travelling in excess of the posted 30 MPH speed limit. I visually estimated the vehicle’s speed at about 45 MPH. Using my hand held Lidar, I confirmed the vehicle’s speed at 44 MPH. I conducted an enforcement stop, contacted the driver who identified himself as LLPF with a valid CA driver’s license. I asked him if he knew what the speed limit was. He said, “25”. I asked him if he knew how fast he was going. He said he did not. I issued him a citation for a violation of CVC 22350 and he signed the promise to appear in your Honor’s court. I am handing him the current Traffic/Engineering Survey for the listed roadway. There are a number of businesses in the area, a Senior Care Facility, and apartments adding to the danger of speeding on Main St.
Judge: Any questions for the Officer?
LLPF (Liar, Liar Pants on Fire): Yes. Where were you parked?
MC: 123 Main St. (I really wanted to add, “Were you not listening? I mean I’m standing like two feet from you.)
LLPF: And where is that?
MC: In between South St. and the freeway.
LLPF: Are you aware there is a Senior Care Facility on that street?
MC: (Dude. Seriously? Are you retarded? Didn’t I just testify to that very fucking thing?) Yes, I am.
LLPF: How far from where you were sitting is the Facility?
MC: Couple hundred feet or so.
LLPF: Did you see me come out of the Facility?
LLPF: Wouldn’t it be hard to get up to 44 MPH in that distance?
MC: It sure would.
LLPF: No further questions.
LLPF went on to testi-lie (you read that right) about how he DID come out of the Facility and there was NO WAY he could have gotten up to that speed in so short a period of time.
Now here’s what I left out of my testimony. After re-approaching LLPF’s car with the citation, he said, “Can’t we get a break? We donate all kinds of money to you guys.” Let me explain something. It is so very tempting to make this douche look like the lying sack that he is in open court. Here’s the thing, though. I’m not trying to look like the Cop with the attitude or chip on his shoulder. His statement, although indicative of his aforementioned douchery, has fuck all to do with the violation. So, I let it go. I’ve heard other cops testify how the defendant told them to “fuck off” or call them an “asshole”. They just sound like whiny little bitches when they bring it up in court. Like they’re citing someone because they were mean to them. At the end of the day, I don’t really give a shit what you call me because you and I both know you got stopped for doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing. Your attitude may be personally irritating, but the law couldn’t care less because it has nothing to do with whatever violation you committed.
The truly difficult thing is I know this jerkwad didn’t come out of the Facility. Of course, I told the Judge that. He took it “under submission” which means he’ll rule on it later and mail his decision. The problem is that of all the times I’ve been told I’d receive the results in the mail, I’ve seldom actually received them.
What the hell is wrong with society today? When did it become okay to straight lie in open court, under oath, no less? I’d like to believe karma will cut this guy off at the knees, but of late, I’ve been much less of a believer in “what goes around comes around”…totally different post, by the by…
The balls on this assclown are unbelieveable.