Hi. Remember me?

I’ve have always wanted to have the experience I am about to relate to you. I can now check this one off the list. Please to enjoy…

I was sitting at one of my typical spots doing my typical thing when I saw a handful of cars headed my way. They were all doing about the speed limit (35 mph); however, I noticed the second car in the #2 lane was following the car in front of it too closely. There was a car in the #1 lane that was just about parallel with the tailgater. The angle was no good for the lidar’s DBC function (read: the violator was just too damn close). As the car in the #1 lane backed off a bit, the tailgater made a quick lane change to pass the lead vehicle in the #2 lane. He forgot to use his turn signal. Steeee-rike two! I stopped him and this is how it went.
MC: Afternoon. Do you know why I stopped you?
SELP (Self-Entitled Little Prat (UK represent!)): *haughty as all get out* No!
MC: Okay, well, initially, I was going to stop you for tailgating, but then unfortunately, you also changed lanes without signalling and cut off the driver in the #1 lane. I need your license, registration and insurance, please.
SELP: I live in I-have-more-money-than-God-burg (believe it or not…not the actual name of where he lives) and I followed that car all the way from there! They were driving really slow the whole way!
MC: Well, when I saw him, he was driving at 35 mph. As it happens, that is also the speed limit.
SELP: How fast was I going?
MC: The same speed, but just too close to him. But I didn’t stop you for speeding, did I? I’ve explained why I stopped you. I still need your license, registration, and insurance.
SELP (hands over license): I think they rest is in the trunk.
MC: Okey doke (yup, I said it). Hop on out.
SELP (hands over stack of paperwork): My insurance is in there somewhere and I don’t know where the registration is.
MC: Tell you what…(hands back paperwork)…I’m not gonna rifle through your papers. Why don’t you go sit down and find something in that stack that shows this vehicle is currently covered and I’ll be right back.
**I wrote the cite for both tailgating and failing to signal and returned to the car**
MC: Alright, I need your signature on the yellow highlighted portion please. Were you able to find your insurance?
SELP (hands insurance paperwork over): Why didn’t you stop the car in front of me to see if they were insured?
MC: I’m sorry, sir. Are you implying that because they happened to be Hispanic gardeners they are not insured? Is that what I’m hearing right now?
SELP: **I’m not sure how to spell the noise pompous windbags make…but I think you can conjure that one up, right?** No! This is such a racket!
MC: I’m not sure I see how it’s a racket, sir.
SELP: Fine. I’ll see you in court.
MC: Fair enough. See you then, sir. Have a nice day
SELP: Yeah. You, too! (Again, haughty as fuck)
I walked back to the bike. This is where the story gets even better. Usually, I will immediately write my notes on the back of my copy of the cite. SELP made a U-turn and headed toward the intersection. It just so happens this particular direction restricts right turns on red. As in, you can’t make one. I saw the right turn signal start to flash on his car. I think I giggled out loud. I know I said, “Make the turn. Make the turn. Make the turn. Make the turn.” And he did.
Insert maniacal laughter.
I tossed the cite book in my saddlebag. I didn’t bother to plug back into the bike or have time to put my gloves back on. The bike almost didn’t start (whole other debacle), but I got her running and I was off. I caught up to him about 1/2 mile away and lit him up. Without missing a beat, I walked up to his window and, just like we’ve never met, I said…
MC: Afternoon. Do you know why I stopped you?
SELP: NO!
MC: Well, sir, you made a right turn on the red light back there. There’s a clearly posted sign that indicates that is not allowed.
SELP: I stopped at the light!!!
MC: You certainly did. Unfortunately, though, you didn’t wait for the green light to make the right turn and turned while the light was still red. I’m going to need your license, registration, and insurance.
**I thought his head was going to explode. Oddly enough, the more bent he got, the calmer I got…if for no other reason than I think it pissed him off that much more.**
SELP handed me the license and insurance. We have already established he didn’t have the reg with him. I looked at the insurance and verified it with the VIN. I think steam was coming out of his ears by now.
MC: I’ll be right back, sir. Please stay in the vehicle.
I walked back to the bike and scratched out a cite for failing to obey the sign. I could see him on the cell phone and knew what was coming.
MC: Okay, I need your signature on the yellow highlighted portion.
SELP: I want your name and number!
MC (myriad of inappropriate comebacks on the tip of my tongue): It’s right on the citation, sir.
SELP: I’m calling the Town PD! You’re getting a harassment charge in your file.
MC: Okay. I’ll give you another warning about not having the current registration in your vehicle. Drive safely, now.
The funny part about him telling me he was calling the Town PD was that I work for the Town PD. Did he not see my patch? Or the top of the cite? Or the badge that clearly says “Town PD”?
I fired up the bike and headed to the PD. Just as I was pulling in I heard dispatch on the radio calling my sergeant.
Radio: Town Sgt.
Town Sgt.: Go ahead.
Radio: I’ve got a call for you regarding an officer complaint.
Town Sgt.: Copy.
MC: MC.
Radio: MC, go.
MC: I am coincidentally at the PD.
Dispatch got a chuckle out of that one. As is my habit, I taped both stops and played them for my supervisor. The end result? SELP never answered his phone (upon a minimum of three attempts to contact over a period of days). My supervisor’s opinion? Maybe he shouldn’t have committed so many violations back to back.
Truly priceless.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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15 thoughts on “Hi. Remember me?

  1. You are truly a great story teller, when's the book man, after retirement?

    Nice to see a tailgater finally get busted for being a hasty sob.

  2. Hmmm, is there any particular reason why you didn't keep following the guy after writing him up for the failure to obey regulatory sign and cite him for any other violations you spot? You'd probably have enough violations to use up half of your ticket book right then and there!

  3. I enjoy your natural writing style, which clearly describes what's in your head as well as conveys your professionalism in how you handled the situation. Thanks for sharing. Truly enjoyable!

  4. Dude- if you need help editing one of those digital recordings for posting purposes, I am SO on board. We ought to make a techno song out of various clips of people saying stupid things >:)

  5. I took misc crime reports at the front desk of my local pd. Great little job, loved it, then got tired of the same crap over and over and over again. Cops deserve medals for waking up each day and going out there and dealing with idiots all day long. I had a guy call who wanted to file a complaint against an officer. I won't let a call like that go to anyone until I know the circumstances and maybe I can explain a policy or procedure that might calm the citizen down. He began to relay a story about an officer going thru red lights with his siren on. I swallowed my laughter (very difficult to do at this point in my career). "Sir, is it possible that the officer could be responding to a 911 call?"
    Up to this moment the call was very cordial but I still wasn't going to pass it on as I didn't understand why this guy was complaining. He said he was still following our unit so I asked him to get me a unit number or plate number so I could pass on his call as well as his name and contact number. All of a sudden this guy went off off on me (I'm still being polite) saying things like "FU bitch, what's your name, this is bullshit, all cops protect each other (I tried to explain I wasn't a cop and that I would gladly have a patrol Sgt call him back.) He taught me some new cuss words that day – I never disconnect a call no matter what the situation – so I sat there saying, yes sir, yes sir, I can understand your frustration which really seemed to piss him off even more… I was still trying to get the info on the patrol unit or his contact number – he finally just said "FU *un* and hung up on me. As I hung up the phone, I said "fu too *sshole" under my breath. Next thing I know my station Sgt's voice is saying behind me "do we have a problem?" Crap, why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? I don't know how long he had been standing there or how much he could hear from the phone. I said, "no sir, just a citizen upset with an officer." "You know you should have transferred that call right?" "Yes sir, but I was trying to attain his contact information in case his call was lost in the transfer." (Damn I'm good!) "Why was the citizen upset?" "He was upset because there was an officer who was going Code 3 thru intersections." (Just telling the truth.) My Sgt didn't smile much, but he smiled and walked away. After shift he said, not to take that sort of abuse and transfer the call next time. I told him next time I would. I never did, I guess if yelling at makes someone feel better, yell away. Later, I received the best review I've ever received at any job.

  6. See, that is why you should have your own reality show.

    Oh I dont know, lets think of a name from the top of my head…..

    Err, umm….Aha! The Chronicles of Motor Cop!

    I want to see that on TV!!

    Still giggling away, wish I had been there!