You might think with a title like this, I might be posting about our lovely country and how great it is to be an American. While those things are true, they’re not even close to the meat and potatoes of what I have to say.
Every year around this time, there is the time-honored tradition of setting off firecrackers (even though it’s illegal in practically every damn county in the State). Gee, thanks for the obvious reminder, MC, you say. Ah, you’re welcome, sarcastic bitches.
What I’d like you all to remember and keep in the forefront of your minds over the next couple weeks is those noises you hear? You know, the loud popping sounds in your otherwise quiet and usually safe, uneventful neighborhood? Yeah, those are more than likely firecrackers, not gun shots.
Without fail, we are inundated in the Town with “prom shoots” (promiscuous shooting). It isn’t unique to Town either, I can pull up calls county-wide and see call after call for prom shoots. Really, people? You can’t put two and two together? Listen, you don’t live in South Central for crying out loud. You think maybe someone’s shooting off some firecrackers? During the Fourth of July? AGAIN? Just like they did last fucking year? And the year before that?
You know, if I had a time machine, I wouldn’t travel back in time to stop, say, Lincoln’s assassination or grab a sports almanac a la Back to the Future II. I’d find the first firecracker inventor guy and give him a smack. Then, I’d start a new tradition for the Fourth. Waving vigorously. That’s it. I now it ain’t exciting, but dammit if it ain’t fucking quiet.