Go ahead and add this to the “Stupid things you shouldn’t say to the guy with the gun” list.

Earlier this week, I stopped a driver for a stop sign violation. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. She pitched a bitch about the violation. She said, “I hit my brake.”

Let me paint a picture for you all. Actually, let me give you a homework assignment. Drive your car at 40 MPH. Hit your brake. For like a 0.5 secs. Did the car stop on a dime? No? Odd. Well, neither did hers.

I tried to explain to her that simply tapping the brake did not equate to coming to a full and complete stop behind the limit line. Now, I’m not some kind of stop sign nazi. I don’t stop the “CA rolls”. Some of you know what that is…but I’ll wager our definitions differ. I typically don’t stop anything less than about 7 MPH. This lady was about 10 MPH.

I walked back up to the car, cite book in hand. She said to me, “I hope nothing bad ever happens to you.”

**Let’s take a second** There are a number of things you should never say to a cop. I don’t give a good goddamn what you meant. Use your head. The above could most definitely be taken as a threat. Contrary to popular belief, I’m actually a fairly level-headed individual. There are certain things, however, that push my buttons. This chick landed right on it.

Did I feel threatened by the older chick? Of course not. That’s not the point. The point is there is an extreme and obvious lack of regard for the occupation that is enforcing the law. I’ve touched on it repeatedly in the past and it’s bound to come up in the future (again…one of those buttons). When she said, “I hope nothing bad happens to you”, I got bent. Amazingly enough, I kept a civil tongue in my head. That is not to say I let the comment pass, however….

MC: What is wrong with you?
Driver: Huh?
MC: Don’t ever say something like that to a police officer! Are you out of your mind?
Driver: I wasn’t threatening you.
MC: I don’t care what you meant. That’s an incredibly stupid thing to say.
Driver: I just want you to have a heart.
MC: If I had one before (note the “if”), that comment just killed it. Good luck to you.

What did I want to say?

MC: What the fuck is wrong with you? How fucking dare you say shit like that to a cop.
Driver: I wasn’t threatening you.
MC: I don’t care what you meant, you idiot. What are the hell are you thinking? In what part of your brain did you think “Gee, this seems like a good tactic to use…maybe he’ll change his mind and give me a warning”? You’ve got to be kidding me.
Driver: I just want you to have a heart.
MC: Not fucking likely after that comment. Matter of fact, I’m going to write three times as many cites now and I’m going to tell them all its your fault. Then I’m going to give them your address and let them tell you personally what they thought about your little opinion.

It’s times like that I wish I had a decayed old sheep’s heart in a bottle. I could whip out the bottle and show her my black heart. Then horns would sprout on my head and a demonic voice would thunder from the very core of the Earth saying, “Drive safely, now.” Okay…this is pretty much the only time I wish I had an old sheep heart in a bottle. Except for that one time in college. Totally different post, though.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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6 thoughts on “Go ahead and add this to the “Stupid things you shouldn’t say to the guy with the gun” list.

  1. I don;t remember a Pig's Heart, but I do remember going to a party and you parking your crappy Civic over a dead skunk. It took a week for the stench to dissipate. . .

  2. It's amazing how many so-called civilized adults refuse to accept the consequences of their actions.

    Even people who make "rolling stops" can be dangerous. Many times I've been out running and seen a driver who will slow at the stopsign but not stop, look left but not right, then pull out, mindless of pedestrians approaching from the right.

    I say zero tolerance! If the front wheels don't rock back, cite 'em!

  3. People like this are why I like my side of PD work much better. Don't have too look at them when they're saying the stupid things they inevitably do (like the lunatic and the threat). How about they try a little courtesy and be an adult….admit the mistake. Geez.

  4. You sound so much like me, I'm beginning to think you may be a long lost brother I never knew I had.