Last week, I told you how to get out of a ticket. I wrote it in the hopes that you would take the advice to heart should our paths cross some day on a traffic stop.
I have been doing this job long enough to know that a not insignificant percentage of folks will not, in fact, take my advice, but will defer to their previous, albeit unsuccessful, attempts at getting out of a ticket.
In an effort to lull them into a false sense of security prior to the crushing of their soul, I give you the snarky version of that age-old question:
How can I get out of a ticket?
- Feign ignorance and/or disbelief – When I inevitably ask you if you know why I stopped you, your answer should be accompanied by a look that conveys the same level of shocked disbelief as if I had asked you if you enjoy bathing in the excrement of the Mantled Howler Monkey. (Fun fact: the Mantled Howler Monkey hails from the area of southern Mexico down through Central/South America. It’s call can be heard for up to three miles. Don’t tell me you never learn anything on this blog.)
- Blame absolutely everyone else – I know your speed/failure to signal/unsafe lane change/throwing your lit smoke out the car window in frustration is the fault of the (insert pejorative here) that was in front of/behind/next to you. But you must understand that I didn’t notice any of those things. Consequently, you should tell me as aggravatingly as you can. It makes an even bigger difference if your tirade is rife with expletives. I will respect you more for it.
- Please, by all means, tell me who you are – You must understand that I stop people violate the rights of people every day when I stop them for no good damn reason. Most of them are nobodies that absolutely no one cares about, so I can pad that quota we all know exists. When you have the misfortune of falling into my speed trap, you should feel morally obligated to immediately tell me who you are. I beg of you to please forgive the error in my judgement, but it is ever so hard to see who is operating a motor vehicle from far away. I obviously have no idea who it is I am dealing with, so, if I could trouble you to inform me forthwith so I could avoid the inherent embarrassment of having bothered you, I would be forever grateful.
- Have a list prepared of all the people who you know and/or could “take my badge” – Having read the last point, you are well aware that I was ignorant of with whom I was dealing. If you can see your way clear, it would be a big benefit to me to give me the laundry list of people you know and the variety of ways in which they can/should have me fired.
- Whine incessantly – There is little else that can convince me to let someone off with a much-coveted warning like constant and irrepressible whining. The mere thought of the sound sends chills down my spine and I will do damn near anything to make it stop.
- Curse like it’s your job – My sensitivity is so high for naughty words that the simplest of curses gives me palpitations and night terrors. If you are prolific in the arena of potty-mouthery, I can’t encourage you enough to launch into a tirade so incisive that it forces me to flee and all thoughts of a ticket fall out of my head.
I would hate for you to think that I lost my Jedi-like ability to detonate a snark bomb, friends. I may have given some legit advice last week, but, if history is any indication, I will run into this list a whole hell of a lot more than last week’s list.
Question: Fellow snark fans…what have I missed? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
Feature Image courtesy of Flickr and Robert Couse-Baker