…then don’t leave it on the front seat of your car, putz.
If I had a dollar for every auto burglary I’ve taken in which some well-intentioned, albeit naive-as-hell, citizen left their prized possession on the front seat of their freaking car, I’d have been out of debt years ago. In my experience, men will leave the cell phone, GPS, iPod and the like on the dash or on the center console. Women…oh, you women…you lot leave your purses (which are worth more than the shit you carry in them) right in plain view.
Both of you have the audacity to shocked and offended when we, your every-trusty police force, show up to take the report. Half of you can’t believe someone would smash your window. The other half of you can’t believe someone got into your car without breaking anything. (There’s a reason nothing is broken, by the by).
Ignorant Ira/Ignorant Eileen (II/IE): Thank God you’re here, Officer!
MC (sarcasm ever at the ready): That’s why we get paid the big bucks.
II/IE: My laptop and/or purse is missing from my car!
II/IE: Last night around eight.
MC: Okay. Did you lock your car?
II/IE: I sure did, Officer!
MC: Are any of your windows broken?
II/IE: No, sir.
MC: Did your alarm sound at any point?
MC: Well, odds are you left the car unlocked.
II/IE: There’s no way I’d do such a thing.
MC: If someone saw your laptop and/or purse in the car in plain sight and there’s no broken glass, and there’s also no damage to the window trim, you left it unlocked.
II/IE: I can’t believe someone would come to Town and do such a nefarious thing!
MC: There’s a lot of nice stuff in Town. If I were a crook, I’d come here. You folks are nice enough to leave $1500 laptops and purses with names I can’t pronounce that are worth more than a week’s work right in your leased import. In the future, if you want to keep it, don’t keep it in your car. It literally takes less than 10 seconds to steal some expensive items from a car…locked or not.
II/IE: I’m aghast at your roguish charm, Officer, and you speak volumes of wisdom. I shall heretofore heed your warnings.
I keep petitioning people in power above me to issue us cards that we can drop once a month that say something to the effect of “You had this crime coming” and then we wouldn’t have to document someone’s lazy stupidity.
They have yet to acquiesce to my aforementioned roguish charm.