Directing Traffic

I’m sure you’ve read a ton of posts today reminding you to have fun, stay safe, celebrate sanely and so forth.  Please do all those things…but here’s something a little different from me.

The following scenario may or may not have run through my head this afternoon.  Keep in mind is was over 100*, I was wearing Kevlar, I had ridden in a parade, and I was directing traffic in the middle of an intersection with no shade.  Oh…and it was the end of six-hour ordeal.

I was directing traffic in an easterly direction.  A driver wanted to turn south.  That particular maneuver was not allowed.

MC (seeing the car starting to turn in a prohibited direction): Hey!  Sir!  You can’t go that way!

SIG (Super Important Guy): But, officer, I just live over there!

*Now, keep in mind, those of us that have spent any time at a collision scene or directing traffic during a special event hear that all. the. time.  Also keep in mind that I don’t particularly care where you live.  What I do care about is the passel of pedestrians you were going to run over to get to your house because you’re an impatient prick.

(What I did say): Sir, I’m not concerned about where you live.  I need you to keep moving.  Thank you, sir.

(What I wanted to say):  What’s that?!?!  You just live right over there?  Well, dammit, sir!  Why didn’t you say so?

Directing trafficphoto © 2010 Nick Holland | more info (via: Wylio)MC yells in his patented MC voice: EVERYBODY STOP!  This man needs to get to his home right. over. there.  Pedestrians, immediately return to the sidewalk from which you just stepped.  I am not concerned about the radiating heat melting your skin.  This man must arrive at his home in an acceptable amount of time!  Sir, I am so very sorry for the unnecessary delay.  What is your name?

SIG: Frank Reynolds (Not his real name).

MC: Did you hear that, pedestrians?  You’re desire to get out of the debilitating heat is keeping Mr. Reynolds from his no doubt air-conditioned home!  Please, Mr. Reynolds, you can leave the window to your ’11 BMW 7-series minutely cracked.  We don’t want your chilly air to escape making you any less comfortable than need be.  You there!  Pedestrian, pay attention and back on the corner with you!  (At which point I crank off a couple of rounds in the air to make sure I have the pedestrian’s attention).  Thank you for your cooperation.

SIG: This really isn’t that necessary.

MC: Oh, but it is, Mr. Reynolds.  Your time is so very much more important than the other 40, 117 people who were here today.  Would that you had called ahead with your schedule (pronounced “shedule”), we could have avoided all this nonsense.  If it please you, sir, here is my personal number.  Please call me day or night prior to next year’s festivities and I will escort you personally to ensure your sensitive features have as little contact with the malevolent sun as possible.

SIG: Um…I think I’ll just go straight like everyone else.

MC: Are you sure, Mr. Reynolds?  I’m can have another police unit respond forthwith to expedite your safe return!

SIG quickly drives off to avoid any further commentary by the obviously victim of heat stroke.

And, no, that isn’t me in the picture.  I’m not a sergeant.  What?!

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

11 thoughts on “Directing Traffic

  1. I think you should trade in your boots for those shoes. Go ahead, do it now, before you recover from the heat!

  2. What?? It was over 100 asterisks where you are today? You poor poor thing….

    (Yes, we have sarcasm in Canada too. :P)

  3. The comments in our head is what keeps us sane – as long as they do not escape out of our mouths. Then they cause us to be fired…. Stay safe.

  4. Why is it the complete d-bags are always driving BMW, Mercedes, or Land Rover? Oh, I forgot, their money counteracts the pungent cloud of fecal odor surrounding them.

    How’s the clutch hand? Gotta love parades.

  5. What was said and what you would like to have said always gives me a laugh. So thanks for that.
    There has got to be a book in the making in there somewhere. Perhaps MC’s book of the unsaid.

  6. Frank Reynolds?! I certainly hope the SIG had at least a passing resemblance to one of my favorite Always Sunny characters. Or maybe you were just hallucinating from the heat?

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