Dear Dumbass…

This post goes out to you small subset of anonymous a-holes out there that think leaving threats without your name signed to it is a good idea. I’d like to introduce you to the concept of an IP address. Yes, I have software installed on the blog to track them.

Are you listening, Chicago? Good.
Now go back to your dismal little douche-existence and leave the rest of us the fuck alone. Oh, also, your grammar is terrible. “Son of a bitches” leads one to believe it is possible to have more than one mother. It is not. If you ever get laid, you could very well be introduced to the concept, God help us all. And, of course, if that lucky lady does have your offspring, we may all accurately refer to you as “that motherfucker” with the shitty grammar. “Sons of bitches” is what you were shooting for. See how that works?
Over the past year and a half, I’ve gotten comments from a handful of you hateful pricks that find it somehow amusing to tell me (and by me, I mean me as a representative of the LEO community) that you hope I/we die or suffer some heinous deformity, blah, blah, blah. Usually, I ignore your bullshit, but today, your misuse of the English language just put me right over the edge.
I’ve every confidence that should you ever have the stones to actually leave your mom’s basement and attempt something foolish, you’d be handled in the appropriate manner and probably spend a significant portion of the rest of your life in a small, cramped room not unlike the aforementioned basement. Only this time you’ll have a roommate. He will think you’re pretty.
So, for the first and last time, nutless wonder, the next time you decide to feebly attempt to namelessly flame someone, at least have the common fucking courtesy to proofread. Otherwise, you’re just being lazy.
Nobody likes a lazy cocksucker.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

17 thoughts on “Dear Dumbass…

  1. "Nobody like a lazy cocksucker"

    That is genuine! I love it….thanks for the blog entries and thanks for doing your job!

    Stay safe out there!

  2. Wish I could offer something of comfort. I must, shamefully, admit that I am trying very hard not to snicker, though.

    You, brother, are brilliant. Your writing is ace. Even (especially?) in indignation.

    This may, however, be too intelligent for someone so low-brow as said "lazy cocksucker" to get the full breadth of the message.

    Stay safe. You shine bright for so many. And they outnumber cockroaches like that by far.

  3. "Nobody likes a lazy cocksucker"

    That's right "nobody"!!!
    This is priceless……and now has been added to my vocabulary, thanks!!LMAO

  4. Ha ha! Thanks for the morning laugh. Bad grammar would have done me in too. Actually, I think I've broken up with guys over that. 😉

  5. Can I play too? I don't get nearly enough hate mail to have fun with!

    Dear Dumbass,

    If you're going to get in trouble or be a stale cuntwaffle, be creative about it. We've all heard those tired banalities and for you – YOU – of all people should be ashamed of this sort of behavior! Even my 3rd grader can come up with insults better than that.

    If you're going to make a grammatical mistake, make sure it's one that no one is really sure is a mistake. This one is a sad one. I misspelled "the plural of mother-in-law" in high school and was very embarrassed. The plural is MOTHERS-in-law.

    I suggest you learn French. Why? Because the insults are superior and mostly vegetable related. It is so much more fun to call someone "the son of a cabbage-scented whore" or "your nose is the shape of a deformed onion."

    Or you could just watch Monty Python and practice saying "I fart in your general direction." I won't tell you which Monty Python because you really should see all of them. Then, you need to purchase and listen to all of Jimmy Buffet's material so that you know what a "cultural infidel" is.

    The point, my dear friend, is that if you're going to suck at least suck differently. Make it fun for the rest of us!

    Thank you for your time."

  6. hey, i just wanted you to know that over the last couple months I've started reading your blog as well as the blogs by other LEO and its really given me a new appreciation for what you do. I find it so fascinating reading about your thoughts and experiences as well as other LEO. so I just wanted to say thanks- for your services and for giving the rest of us a look into the craziness that is your job.

  7. Brilliant! I think you should post their IP Addresses. 😉 Might be fun to mess with them a bit! lol

    Stay safe!

  8. Motorcop,

    I do feel your pain! There was the little man who threatened me on Craigslist. Imagine his suprise when cops kicked down the door at mommie's house, arrested him, and took his computer.

    The classic part? Finding all that kiddie porn on the hard-drive(pun intended) during the computer forensics check. Add several charges of possession of child porn.

    And who was standing there while he got booked? Me. And that's when he figured out he threatened the wrong officer. As in, "Oops, you're not the cop who arrested me the first time and pissed me off."

    Was that threat really worth having to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life, you dirty birdy? I think not but that is karma!

  9. Now THAT is a quality dressing-down. Complete with proper grammar, spelling and punctuation.

    This is why I'm sad so much of my job is on a recorded line. This is what we're thinking, we just can't say it. Thank you for phrasing it all so well.

  10. All hilarious and so eloquent. I could quibble with the split infinitives but will let caution be the better part of wisdom.

  11. While we are on the subject of correct spelling, grammar and whatnot, Jimmy Buffett has two t's at the end of his name.

    My neighbor was designing a menu one day and emailed me saying, "You know you're a Parrothead when…you spell the word 'buffet' on a menu with two t's." 🙂

  12. MC,
    I have a little fun fact for you. Today (November 24th, 2009) is the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin's "Origin of the Species."

    Why do I introduce this otherwise bit of obscure trivia? Because it seems those "anonymous" detractors may be been bypassed by evolution. Personally, I'm wondering if they mastered the use of opposable thumbs on a keyboard. Their use of grammar and syntax would seem to suggest against it.

    Nice dressing down you gave them. Very good post, this.

  13. Epic beat down….I'm actually a little choked up. Not since I read "Beowulf" while on a peyote binge have I encountered such poetic majesty.

    Free Plaxico!

  14. Nobody likes a lazy cocksucker.

    Yes, absolutely hate the lazy ones! If you are gonna toot on a skin flute, give it the respect it deserves and have some pride in your job

Comments are closed.