Damn you, 21st century!!!

Ok. I’ve taken a deep breath and am bravely stepping off the 20th century cliff and waiting to freefall into the next century.

So, here’s the deal. I’m conflicted about this whole “blogging” thing. First of all, what in the fuck is a blog? Seriously. Gotta be one of the stupidest new words. Secondly, as the majority of my friends and family can attest, I suck at returning emails. How does that relate you ask? Consistency, friends, consistency. I make no promises to hourly, daily, weekly, monthly update my new nemesis; however, on the rare occasion in which I do, I can promise an uncensored look into the life of a motor cop.

I am not creating this sucker to regale all of you with the newest and coolest stuff my daughter does. The Wife takes care of all of that. No, this is more of a way to relieve some pent up frustration about my job. You all know what I do and where I work, but for the sake of not misrepresenting my Department, I will henceforth refer to the place I work simply as “the Town”. I will most likely say some things that will inevitably be misinterpreted by the wrong set of eyes who may or may not look to screw me for excersing my 1st amendment rights. To those eyes, I simply say, “Suck it.”

DISCLAIMER:
I work with and around some characters. You know who you are. Characters use colorful language. I, myself, am a character. (This is mostly a warning for you, Mom). There will be R-rated language involved with this blog. I’m a cop. We swear. Deal. ‘Nuff said.

DISCLAIMER #2:
I get wordy. Not sure that is a word, but it should be. The Wife can attest to my verbosity. Now, I know that is a word. From time to time, things happen at work that piss me off. When I get pissed off, I tend to run off at the mouth. I type faster than I talk. Figure it out.

DISCLAIMER #3:
If, by some glorious twist of fate, you stumbled across this blog and you happen to be someone I stopped and cited, this is what I really wanted to say, “Holy shit, I can’t believe you just (insert violation here). You suck at driving. Sign the fucking ticket and I’ll see you in court…can you make it a Monday, though? That way I’ll get paid overtime to screw you twice! MUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” At which point, in a perfect world, fire would come out of the tailpipe of my Harley as I speed away to violate someone else’s civil rights.

DISCLAIMER #4:
Disclaimer #3 is only partially true.

DISCLAIMER #5:
Disclaimer #4 is bullshit.

Ok…enough frivolity. I actually want to say a couple quick notes of thanks to three specific people who have inspired me to write this blog (still can’t wrap my head around this word). #1 Mom & Dad…Mom has encouraged me for years to get my work thoughts on paper. Not sure this counts as paper, but close enough for gov’t work. Dad actually did write the majority of his work details in a log/journal which I’ve always thought was cool. #2 LKE…I’ll bet she didn’t even know I read her blog. LKE, I love reading your shit. You are a gifted and talented writer and on more than one occasion, I have laughed out loud at your posts (the flower on the bra comes to mind). #3 The Wife…what don’t you inspire me to do? I fucking hate jogging and you got me doing that. This I can do whilst drinking at the same time. Win/win. Seriously, Sweetheart, your vigilant updates have helped keep my family connected with our daughter. I can never thank you enough for that. You, too, are a gifted and talented writer. Your Dad is right…publishable. xoxo.

Well, that about does it for the inaugural post. Enjoy the ensuing hilarity.

I’m off to make friends and influence people….

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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11 thoughts on “Damn you, 21st century!!!

  1. Dear J:
    You continue to fucking amaze me! Is there no end to the crazy ways you find to amuse yourself? Thanks for sharing so we can all enjoy the insanity you run into (or pull over) on a daily basis. Oh, and by the way, I can't wait to see the look on your face when your perfect offspring does something that emulates your behavior (and I don't mean just the cute stuff)! I've been there and it is a truly beautiful and scary thing!
    xoxo (you know who I am … and I am watching you!!)

  2. Who knew a *gasp* COP could have this much funny in him? I could have guessed about the curse words but wit as well!? Bravo J, Bravo.

  3. LOL! at the comment about good enough for govt work. I'm a criminal justice major, and actually going through the hiring process to be a cop where I live, and as soon as I read that I remember my crime analysis class that enforced how "evil" that statement is… lmao. Also, your blog is awesome 🙂

  4. Haha. Never noticed that before…”make friends.” I say that every time I head out to do the job. “Off to make some friends!”

  5. I actually have read your first post! I’ve read all of them. I had one day where I completely vegged out and read your blog (yes.. The weird ass word “blog”) from newest all the way back to the first. Please never stop blogging. Your posts have so much personality and character. ❤️