Criminal Obstinance

I’ve been amazed at a human’s ability to self-delude.  For my fellow LEOs, how many times have you heard someone tell you, “These aren’t my pants” after finding dope in their pocket.  For my non-LEO friends…yeah, people actually say that shit.

By the way, the pants in the featured image or most assuredly not my pants.  Outside of hair metal and/or arena rock, who the hell wears pants like that?

I withdraw the question for fear of actually getting answers.  But, I digress…

How many of you have a) not checked your friend’s pant’s pockets before putting them on or, and this is more likely, b) NEVER WORN YOUR BUDDY’S FREAKING PANTS!

Now, I realize you ladies may not necessarily qualify for that second bit; however, us dudes typically don’t borrow our friend’s pants. It’s weird.  Not to mention the fact that of all the people on Earth, one of the last people I’d borrow pants from would be my nasty tweaker pal.

My point is I’ve always been baffled by the statements criminals make about their obvious guilt.  Case in point, a burglar was caught on tape holding stolen property.  The burglar is shown a picture of himself holding the aforementioned stolen property.  It is undoubtedly the same cat.  He says, “That isn’t me”.


I’ve wondered that for years.  I’ve come up with seven reasons.

1. He’s a moron.  This is my most solid reason and is easily used in conjunction with the other reasons.

2. He thinks that if he repeats it enough, he’ll believe it thus cleansing his diseased and dirty conscience.

3. He’s a Jedi and those actually aren’t the droids we’re looking for.

4. He thinks I’m a moron or at least simple-minded.  A possibly fair assessment.  I think we all know that one cop that isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the box.

5. He has a scumbag lawyer that tells him to deny everything regardless of its painfully and overwhelmingly obvious veracity.

6. His lawyer is a moron.  (Refer to #5)

7. He thinks his twelve “peers” on the eventual jury are just as ignorant as he is.  He may figure when his legal representation mentioned in #5 and/or #6 puts him in a shirt and tie and he no longer smells like a meth lab and he smiles without his teeth showing because the crank has destroyed them and he buries his recalcitrance, well then maybe, just maybe, it’ll work out just fine and those damn cops will stop harassing his allegedly law-abiding ass.

At any rate, I’ve long since stopped being shocked at people denying the obvious.  Their ability to delude themselves, whatever their motivation, is weirdly impressive, if not wicked freaking stupid.  Now, I just laugh at them.

To be fair, I laughed at them before, too.

Featured Image Credit

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

7 thoughts on “Criminal Obstinance

  1. Such as a deuce I had some time ago. Duece is my agency’s slang for a driving under the influence/DUI arrest (driving while impaired/DWI to many others states). I stop him for weaving 4 times from the left side of his lane over the course of two blocks. His breath stinks of booze, he has very bloodshot-watery eyes, he has flushed crimson skin tone, and his words are slurred together. I ask for his consent to participate in voluntary roadside maneuvers. He incredulously asks “Why?!” I calmly explain the previously described observations. He responds, “That’s all her.” (Pointing at his girlfriend in the passenger seat). He consents to roadsides (because he’s had “nothing” to drink). Outside the car, his breath is still the unmistakable foul stench of a drunk bastard’s; and that was from 8 feet away with a strong wind blowing away from me. I ask if he still wants me to believe the ethyl alcohol induced halitosis coming directly from his person was from his girlfriend (now closed off from us by the car window); and he quickly snaps, “Yup. It’s all her.”

    Surprise! He fails roadsides (barely able to stand unassisted much less remotely complete them satisfactorily), I arrest him, he refuses evidentiary chemical testing, I revoke his license, and he has 3 prior DUI convictions.

    • It’s almost a word for word script that I one just copy and paste into the body of a DUI report for one out of every 5-10 DUI’s.

      **Don’t feel bad you’re not the only one who laughs. :^D

  2. I have said this a thousand times to you already. This is just a continuation of what they used to do or still do* in school. (*depending on how many times theyve failed 9th grade) Yeah, you get these all the time and after 20 minutes or so, you get to leave them and hopefully never see them again. We as teachers have to put up with the same shitasses like this for an entire 180 days for 12 years in a row. Count your blessings you chose to be in law enforcement, not teaching.

    PS. I have seen the “these arent my pants!” scenario about a bejillion times on COPS. It leaves me to wonder if they sit around together to think of this nonsense. KIDS- this is why you need to pay attention in school! If anything, you at least may learn simple logic that saves your sorry ass from sounding like your parents are also brother and sister! BOO-YAH!!!

  3. Your children are young yet. They will try it(and come to think of it, our President does it all the time, but I digress) It is the magical thinking of the young and stupid that think if they believe a story often enough Pouf! things will change, or you will be so taken with their wonderful selves, you will believe it , too. You, however, are a good parent, and will bring them back to reality.

    • I appreciate the sentiment; however, sadly, this type of activity is not exclusive to the young. Don’t even get me started on the liars during a traffic stop. Sweet mother….

  4. I love that excuse! I don’t know why, but each time it makes me laugh and roll my eyes. Then I realize I’m dealing with the biggest dumbass this side of the Mississippi. And I chose B…NEVER WORE MY BUDDY’S PANTS. Never.

    I usually responded with…dang, too bad you didn’t smoke that before the cops got ahold of it. What a waste of some good weed. And now it’s going to cost you an extra $250.00 for that joint.

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