Ladies and Gents, let me explain something to you. Today is not my first day on the job. I’m not a rookie. I also have wicked good eyesight. So, when I tell you that you didn’t stop at the stop sign that is less than 40′ away from me, rest assured that is the case.
A couple of weeks ago, I stopped an older gentleman for just that. He said, “Are you sure that happened?” I politely said, “Yes, sir. I am sure.” Of course, I wrote him a ticket.
I don’t know what it is I have to do to get you, the motoring public (my bread and butter, if you will) to understand something. I don’t just arbitrarily stop folks on the off chance that they’ll admit to something illegal.
Glance up real quick. That’s right…a little further. See the blog title? Yeah. We’ve had this discussion before.
The point is this: I wouldn’t waste my time stopping you if I wasn’t sure. I’ll wager I let half a dozen legit rags a day go because I doubt what I saw for a millisecond. Did that guy have his seatbelt on or not? Ahhh…I think so…fuck it, not good enough. (That thought actually hurtles through my Kazoo-like melon (Flintstones reference!) at a dizzying rate).
Here’s another similar situation…
We get 911 hangups/abandoned calls every. single. fucking. day. 98% of the time, they’re bullshit. Occasionally, they are not and deserve their own post. In this case, however, they are the aforementioned large mammal excrement. When I show up at your front door and ask you if everything is alright, I understand the confused gaze you shoot my way. However, when I tell you someone dialed 911 from your home, do me a favor. Don’t look at me like I’ve got a third nipple on the tip of my bloody nose, okay? And certainly don’t flat refuse to believe me and insist I’ve the wrong house. Because I don’t.
I didn’t pick your house out of a hat because I want to scope out your latest f’n kitchen remodel. I don’t care how many awards your lame-excuse-for-a-dog shitzu has won. I knocked on your admittedly beautiful front door because someone or something in your house dialed 911.
It is typically one of six reasons:
1. You’re an idiot and don’t know the fucking difference between 911 and 411.
2. Your last name has more consonants than vowels and you were dialing your homeland using an international code that (wait for it) starts with a 9 and a 1.
3. Your last name has more vowels than consonants and see #2.
4. Your fax machine dialed it.
5. You run a sadly understaffed day care and your one of 25 kids just loves loves loves to use the phone.
6. You must dial 9 to get an outside line and you suck at dialing
So, when I rattle off your phone number, don’t be surprised, okay? Again, I didn’t just pop by for a quick hi-howya-doin’? Just be glad I got there as quickly as I did, thank me for my time/effort, and wish me a nice day. There are other jurisdictions much larger and much busier than mine that you could live in where you may have legitimate need of 911 and they may be so understaffed and/or overworked that you may very well be waiting a bit longer than you’d like in an emergency.
To sum up…yes…I am sure.