Ah, the Subtle Nuances of a New Car

New Car

Caution! New car may handle completely differently than every other car you’ve ever driven. Ever.

I am always impressed with the reasons excuses people come up with for why they violated whatever vehicle code for which I stopped them. If you’re a fellow LEO, I’m sure you’ve had similar experiences.

If you’re a civilian, you may be amazed at the tales that are woven on the sides of the highways and byways of this, our great land.

From the small-bladdered man to the doctor (I mean podiatrist) rushing to the hospital for his patient (read: he overslept and is late for his patient’s bunion removal), the human capacity for spinning a yarn is something with which cops are intimately familiar.

A recent stop was no different.

It’s something I’ve heard for years, but I’ve never posted about…until now.

Sitting in front of one of our institutions of learning, I caught me a speeder. She was doing 16 over the limit (41 in a 25). This is how it went:

MC: “Ma’am, I stopped you for doing 41 in a 25. I need your license and registration.”

Driver: “Oh, well, this is a new car and I’m not quite used to it.”

I remained professional and issued her a citation and wished her bon chance (because I took high school French over a quarter century ago and I like to keep the saw sharp).  But, that wasn’t what I wanted to say.

This.

This is what I wanted to say.

Ma’am, I understand the subtle nuances of a new car. Perhaps the ignition is in a different location. Hell, perhaps you don’t even need a key! Maybe you’re starter switch is beneath a flip-up lid and you press a red button to rocket you out of your garage like an F/A-18 Super Hornet.

You may now have that there satellite radio with umpteen channels. It’s a distinct possibility you no longer have to turn around to back up because the trunk monkey will hop out to assist you in the rearview camera.

Maybe gas is a thing of the past for you because your new car runs solely on dreams and kitten dander.  You must get like 374 miles to the dander ounce. That’s pretty bitchin’.

But, you know what hasn’t changed?

That big pedal on the right!

When you push down on that sucker, you’re car (trunk monkey and all) picks up speed. You may think of it as accelerating.

Oooo! Come to think of it, that’s what they should call that pedal: The Accelerator!

So, while I appreciate the wild discrepancies between the two-year-old car you traded in (upside down, I’ll just bet) and the newest iteration (complete with two year’s worth of innovations) of the same damn car, I assure you the basic premise of the gas pedal remains the same.

One more thing, whether it’s digital, analog, or a freaking hologram, there is a number on or about your dashboard that should indicate to you the speed at which you are traveling.

I’m making note of this post…because in less than four years time, I plan on saying it to someone.

Not-so-coincidentally, the Powers That Be have told me they plan on being on vacation during my last week of employ.

Weird.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic. Snark is encouraged. Being a prat is not.

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8 thoughts on “Ah, the Subtle Nuances of a New Car

  1. Now the question becomes do you let them know when your last day on the road is going to be or wait until all the complaints start flooding
    In and be like gotcha it’s my last road day I’m on leave until X date when I retire.

    And I actually use the GPS in my SUV as my gauge for speed. I only use the ole speedometer in my Mothers brand new one. And surprisingly enough – that four cylinder Hyundai SantaFe has some pep to it compared to my V8 Durango. She’s been stopped already for speeding in her new car! Just got a warning since she’s a local though only a half mile from home in the next county. And couldn’t find her DL either. Nice officer that day!

  2. I just want to be walking past the stopped vehicle at the exact time you are having that conversation so I can take photos of the persons face. Very funny. Thanks for the laugh as it’s a good way to end the day.

  3. Please allow the town cryer to inform us of your last day of service to the grateful public so we may all come and enjoy the spectacle in all it’s glory. In the mean time you may tell the surprised offender that they have sinned against the good book, the California Vehicle Code.

  4. Had a guy show up in court to contest a “careless driving” citation (pretty much drifted through a corner, smoking the tires). He brought an affidavit from the previous owner (his sister) stating the car had so much power it was difficult to keep that from occurring and that the car was showroom stock, no adjustments made to it.

    Judge raised the ticket to reckless driving (double the fine) and said if his sister had shown up to testify to that, he would have held her in contempt!

  5. You CAN’T leave – where else will you find such rich and plentiful fodder for your humor? Where else will you find such a bountiful cornucopia of ridiculosity? Where?

  6. You must get like 374 miles to the dan­der ounce. That’s pretty bitchin’.

    That one line just made my entire day and its not even 0900 yet lol