Some days it is just nigh on impossible to not day dream about what one could say on a traffic stop.
Take today for example:
MC: Do you know why I stopped you, sir?
MC: You weren’t wearing your seatbelt.
V: Is that the best you can do? Your mother must be real proud.
MC: Well, she sure is, sir. Thanks for mentioning that. I appreciate it.
MC (over the top disbelief): Hey, wait a minute, sir! Was that sarcasm?
V: Yeah, it was.
Okay, all of that happened, but it’s confession time. I’m a momma’s boy. Me and mom are tight. Thus, I know she’s totally cool when this happens again and I initiate the following scenario:
MC: Tell you what, sir, let’s find out what Mom has to say about all of this.
*Pulls out handy iPhone. Maybe even uses Siri…
MC: Call Mom at work.
*Holds out left hand to examine fingernails as in old movies to indicate patience in waiting.
MC: Hey, Mom! Listen, I just stopped a gentleman for not wearing a seatbelt and he seems curious about
whether or not you’re proud of me. (Listens) I know, right? No, no…he said he was being sarcastic. Yeah, yeah, as in bitter gibe or taunt. (Listens) It got me to thinking. I’d hate to think you weren’t proud of me and the work I do what with keeping stupid people safe from their own aforementioned stupidity. (Listens) Uh huh. (Listens some more) Great. Well that’s a load off! Sir, Mom would like to assure you she is indeed proud of me and…oh, hold on (Listens)…okay, also she says you’re an ass. Sir, that is totally her talking. I would never be so unprofessional as to call you an ass to your face. That’s just disrespectful and rude. Mom, on the other hand? She isn’t held to that “higher standard” you hear so much about these days and it seems pretty doggone important to her that I deliver the message that you are an ass. (Listens) Sorry, sir…Giant Ass. Also, she says she may add “dumb” as a prefix since you weren’t smart enough to wear your seatbelt which has been proven to save lives. She…and again, I’m quoting here…”doesn’t give a shit about your opinion on whether or not it’s a legitimate law.”
MC: Okay sir, well I appreciate the opportunity to touch base with Mom today. As a parting gift and reminder of our time together, here’s a copy of your citation.
Someday! Today was almost that day…